Self-esteem... I've missed you all

I guess I'll tackle it. I've wanted to write a blog about self-esteem for months and months, but when I tried it was always a tough one... to write. I can't imagine the tremendous pain you'd have to go through in order to read it. lol.

So, self-esteem...


Self-esteem is an illusion (as is rejection, but that’s a different blog). It’s an illusion because even people, who don’t quite have it, may believe they do. People that do have it aren’t positive that they do. It’s fragile, and most people in the world aren’t sure where they stand.

I believe everyone questions themselves on a regular basis – sometimes by the minute. Everyone asks whether they are doing the right thing, whether they have the right job, make enough money, lost enough weight… or even prayed enough this morning. It’s all these things that make up that illusion – self-esteem.

Count me in the group that “thought” they had self-esteem. Up until a mere few months ago, I cared too much what people thought, and it affected me, even paralyzed me into staying in my comfort zone. Now, you can count me in the “… not sure where I stand…” category.

I know this much - I feel different.

I can give you many reasons that I felt that way, and why I changed, but one thing that I’ve found is that people don’t really understand how to gain more self-esteem other than to make a realization, and try things until they feel better.

For example’s sake; it took me realizing that I didn’t need certain people (person) in my life to be happy. That simple. No one knows who they are, and even my closest friends would be moderately surprised if they knew who I was talking about (though I’m sure some reading this are certain they know who it is right away – you’re wrong). I still associate with the person (people) I’m referring too, but now I’m more concerned with what I want to do than they. (you’re still wrong, if you’re guessing). Now, I don’t resent them because they have no control over what I do.

I make decisions every day based solely on what’s best or most interesting to me. It’s a backwards way of thinking, but it makes me a better person in the end because I’m happier and able to help more people that way.You don’t understand?

Well, if I walk around every day concerned solely with making others happy in spite of myself and my family, then it will all catch up. And, while I am certain to find joy in others’ fulfillment (which I do), your life shouldn’t always be about everyone else. Sooner or later you will become somewhat bitter if you feel that you’ve done things correctly and gotten nothing in return.

Now don't get me wrong, there are, without a doubt, certain pleasures that anyone can find in their own lives including giving without thought of return. I strongly encourage everyone to seek out these joys and be thankful for them daily. No matter how bad it is, you can always find something good happening. However, these joys can sometimes be less than fulfilling, and you can quickly find yourself spiraling into cold bitterness if you are resenting major portions of your life, especially those you love.

Another huge benefit of coming to that realization is that I don’t blame other people for my circumstances. There have been bad things done to me. We’ve all had bad things happen that were caused by other people. I never came right out and said it, (not that I had too), but I held a grudge. I think we all have. The difference is, now, I shouldn’t be in any situation that someone else has enough control (that I didn’t already want to give them) to make me unhappy. If they do, it is obviously something I knew was a possible risk going in, or I even caused it directly.

So, when the first of the year rolled around I decided I didn’t care what anyone thought, I was finally starting this business that I’d been talking about for, literally, years. It was actually easier than I realized to get started, and when I started talking about it, I got a lot of the same reactions I always had: people would roll their eyes, or just stare at me like I was talking about nuclear fission through quantum physics. It didn’t register or they didn’t believe me.

They made a mistake.

Some still are.

Here’s a pet peeve for you. DO NOT. I repeat, DO NOT, discourage people from their dreams around me anymore. This includes my dreams. That also means that you’re not allowed to stand there stoic while someone pours their heart out to you. You can’t let a person go on, and on about their hopes, and sit there thinking, “When will they shut up?”, then patronize them by saying something like “That sounds nice.” It doesn’t fly around me any more.

My mission is to make everyone who wants to be successful just that - successful. That doesn’t always mean money, or fame, or power. It means that they finally quit smoking, or they finally got that promotion, or they raised the most wonderful kids or they just have a great life. Those things define success to some people, and it really isn’t any of your (or my) business if we don’t want to help them make that happen. You want to change you? Change someone else by not stepping on their dreams. Enough of that rant. lol

So, I ignored everyone, including my mom when she said “that’s nice…”, and moved on. Let me clarify, there were a few who supported me all the way. In all honesty they were the quiet minority, I think they looked at me and said, “He’s crazy, but he just might be right”. KAYA KING, OVED, FEMALEATLAS, CALYN, and MISSING along with a few others were all gentle, but inspiring supporters through my entire process.

Now in fairness, people will defend themselves with, “I never said not to.”, and they’re right, they didn’t. They could also say they gave the exact same amount of support to international child hunger, animal rights activists, American beef distributors, Greenpeace, and the Kyoto Treaty. They all also simultaneously supported and derided global warming too. That's the type of support we're speaking of.

I did what I wanted in spite of what others, whom I care very much for, thought, and it was amazing. I helped someone get on the path to being the person they always wanted to be.

In doing that, it's easy to see the greater good caused. There will now be four or five more jobs available locally. There is a family who won't struggle to make ends meet. There is a man who loves what he does... again, where before he didn't want to get out of bed. And, lastly, there are customers who will get a certain type of product that they may not have had available otherwise. I'm not taking credit because all of that work had to come from him, but it was fun being a part of the process.

The true beauty of this situation and it coinciding with my writing is that when this guy told his parents that he hired me, they told him he was wasting his time and, more importantly, the scarce amount of money he didn't have. He loves his parents, but their advice wasn't in his best interest. He ignored it, thankfully, and has changed his entire outlook. Now there is a different world for him.

His self-esteem changed when he realized that his life was bad by most people's standards, but his potential was far above and beyond even moderately succesful people. He simply needed to define where he wanted to end up in order to get there - goal setting at its best.

So his self-esteem changed with his outlook. Mine changed with a realization that certain people weren't as important as I had envisioned them. Others may change with an A on a test, or graduating from college. Maybe it takes a different outward change like a promotion to change the self-esteem of others. However, nothing changes until it is realized inwardly.

I hope that everyone can come to a point in their own life where they respect what people say, but don't necessarily need what anyone else says in order to function. Yes, it's true, lol, I hope that you can take my advice or leave it... and we can still be friends.

Take care.

-Bill