Nice guy revisited

How is everyone? I hope things are great where you are, whether it is Cumberland area, Nashville, Robinson, DC or wherever you may be. Things are good here, and I just wanted to check in with everyone to let them know I'm still alive.

I am.

Even if I haven't talked to you lately, it doesn't mean I haven't thought of you. I haven't spent as much time messaging lately because I've been spending time in real life.

I have softball, and kids, and life to live beyond IM. Something has to fall by the wayside and it looks like that has for now. Softball's over, and the kids are going to school soon, and... Well who knows where life will go?

Either way, I promised people that I'd give a response to the nice guy post and I just kept putting it off, but life has ways of bringing you back to the subject matter. This week has gone to prove that less nice guys exist. I've tried to help as much as possible, but I believe my frustration is growing because I'm trying to help clean up a mess I worked to avoid creating.

I sat the other night and was a shoulder to cry on. I liked it. I always have. It amazes me how people can hurt those that they supposedly Love the ways that they do. I guess that's where I get to come in. I get to be there for all of the beautiful women when the ones who they thought loved them aren't. How lucky am I?

I was "the nice guy".

I don't really know that I believe in the whole nice guys finish last thing though. Sometimes we need to realize that we have an opportunity to change things and take advantage of it. I posted "the nice guy" blog knowing full well that I didn’t agree with it all.

Nice guys aren’t victims. I’m not and neither are the rest of them. They aren’t doomed to be single, but they are to be something else… empathetic – they don’t have a choice. Not only do they most times have low self-esteem, but they can also nearly read the minds of the people that they deal with every day. It’s a gift, and a curse (cliché but true).

It’s a gift because when you tell someone you know how they feel – you normally do. It’s a curse because you want to do what’s right for people all the time – in spite of yourself. That’s the real key here… in spite of yourself.

The “nice guy” is normally unselfish to a detriment and that’s where he ends up finishing last… not by some cosmic mantra. He will normally advise by what’s good for the person he speaks with and not by what he may desire.

Look, in the past few months I have bitten my tongue on several occasions and not (how should I say this?) touched someone on another occasion because it wasn’t the right thing to do – she was married. I have refused to give normal advice because I was interested in the person who was asking it. I didn’t think it would be nice to give advice and possibly benefit from it, even though that would have been the right advice to give. I’ve distanced myself from someone who was attractive but a bit too aggressive while friends sat there asking me why I wasn’t just sleeping with her.

All the while, I sat there envious as other people enjoyed “normal” lives. However, frustration isn’t the worst thing to feel, and envy, while a sin, is natural even when you aren’t single. It’s normally what drives us.

So, this brings me to some questions:

Rules. Why are there so damn many rules in dating? They are nearly infallible rules too. You follow them or remain single, like it or not.

Guys. Why do some of them consistently refuse to accept great over good… or even bad? (What the hell are you thinking?)

I guess that one applies to girls too.

Girls. Why do they think that people change? People don’t change that much. It’s hard enough to get guys to do whatever they already do better. Why would you think that you can put something into them that never was in the first place? It’s not something instinctual, like whether you enjoy Thai food. It’s habitual, like whether or not you can be loyal.

Me. Why am I still helping people when I don’t really have a good feeling about a situation to begin with? People don’t normally see what I’m looking at anyways, so why can’t I just leave it be?

Nice guys finish last… maybe it’s because they’re more selective. Maybe it’s because they don’t get it. Maybe they aren’t real smart. However maybe…

It’s because they choose too.

Take care.

-Mo

The nice guy

Ode to the nice guy

With the week I've had, I needed to read this... maybe you do too. Take care everyone.

Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

Self-esteem... I've missed you all

I guess I'll tackle it. I've wanted to write a blog about self-esteem for months and months, but when I tried it was always a tough one... to write. I can't imagine the tremendous pain you'd have to go through in order to read it. lol.

So, self-esteem...


Self-esteem is an illusion (as is rejection, but that’s a different blog). It’s an illusion because even people, who don’t quite have it, may believe they do. People that do have it aren’t positive that they do. It’s fragile, and most people in the world aren’t sure where they stand.

I believe everyone questions themselves on a regular basis – sometimes by the minute. Everyone asks whether they are doing the right thing, whether they have the right job, make enough money, lost enough weight… or even prayed enough this morning. It’s all these things that make up that illusion – self-esteem.

Count me in the group that “thought” they had self-esteem. Up until a mere few months ago, I cared too much what people thought, and it affected me, even paralyzed me into staying in my comfort zone. Now, you can count me in the “… not sure where I stand…” category.

I know this much - I feel different.

I can give you many reasons that I felt that way, and why I changed, but one thing that I’ve found is that people don’t really understand how to gain more self-esteem other than to make a realization, and try things until they feel better.

For example’s sake; it took me realizing that I didn’t need certain people (person) in my life to be happy. That simple. No one knows who they are, and even my closest friends would be moderately surprised if they knew who I was talking about (though I’m sure some reading this are certain they know who it is right away – you’re wrong). I still associate with the person (people) I’m referring too, but now I’m more concerned with what I want to do than they. (you’re still wrong, if you’re guessing). Now, I don’t resent them because they have no control over what I do.

I make decisions every day based solely on what’s best or most interesting to me. It’s a backwards way of thinking, but it makes me a better person in the end because I’m happier and able to help more people that way.You don’t understand?

Well, if I walk around every day concerned solely with making others happy in spite of myself and my family, then it will all catch up. And, while I am certain to find joy in others’ fulfillment (which I do), your life shouldn’t always be about everyone else. Sooner or later you will become somewhat bitter if you feel that you’ve done things correctly and gotten nothing in return.

Now don't get me wrong, there are, without a doubt, certain pleasures that anyone can find in their own lives including giving without thought of return. I strongly encourage everyone to seek out these joys and be thankful for them daily. No matter how bad it is, you can always find something good happening. However, these joys can sometimes be less than fulfilling, and you can quickly find yourself spiraling into cold bitterness if you are resenting major portions of your life, especially those you love.

Another huge benefit of coming to that realization is that I don’t blame other people for my circumstances. There have been bad things done to me. We’ve all had bad things happen that were caused by other people. I never came right out and said it, (not that I had too), but I held a grudge. I think we all have. The difference is, now, I shouldn’t be in any situation that someone else has enough control (that I didn’t already want to give them) to make me unhappy. If they do, it is obviously something I knew was a possible risk going in, or I even caused it directly.

So, when the first of the year rolled around I decided I didn’t care what anyone thought, I was finally starting this business that I’d been talking about for, literally, years. It was actually easier than I realized to get started, and when I started talking about it, I got a lot of the same reactions I always had: people would roll their eyes, or just stare at me like I was talking about nuclear fission through quantum physics. It didn’t register or they didn’t believe me.

They made a mistake.

Some still are.

Here’s a pet peeve for you. DO NOT. I repeat, DO NOT, discourage people from their dreams around me anymore. This includes my dreams. That also means that you’re not allowed to stand there stoic while someone pours their heart out to you. You can’t let a person go on, and on about their hopes, and sit there thinking, “When will they shut up?”, then patronize them by saying something like “That sounds nice.” It doesn’t fly around me any more.

My mission is to make everyone who wants to be successful just that - successful. That doesn’t always mean money, or fame, or power. It means that they finally quit smoking, or they finally got that promotion, or they raised the most wonderful kids or they just have a great life. Those things define success to some people, and it really isn’t any of your (or my) business if we don’t want to help them make that happen. You want to change you? Change someone else by not stepping on their dreams. Enough of that rant. lol

So, I ignored everyone, including my mom when she said “that’s nice…”, and moved on. Let me clarify, there were a few who supported me all the way. In all honesty they were the quiet minority, I think they looked at me and said, “He’s crazy, but he just might be right”. KAYA KING, OVED, FEMALEATLAS, CALYN, and MISSING along with a few others were all gentle, but inspiring supporters through my entire process.

Now in fairness, people will defend themselves with, “I never said not to.”, and they’re right, they didn’t. They could also say they gave the exact same amount of support to international child hunger, animal rights activists, American beef distributors, Greenpeace, and the Kyoto Treaty. They all also simultaneously supported and derided global warming too. That's the type of support we're speaking of.

I did what I wanted in spite of what others, whom I care very much for, thought, and it was amazing. I helped someone get on the path to being the person they always wanted to be.

In doing that, it's easy to see the greater good caused. There will now be four or five more jobs available locally. There is a family who won't struggle to make ends meet. There is a man who loves what he does... again, where before he didn't want to get out of bed. And, lastly, there are customers who will get a certain type of product that they may not have had available otherwise. I'm not taking credit because all of that work had to come from him, but it was fun being a part of the process.

The true beauty of this situation and it coinciding with my writing is that when this guy told his parents that he hired me, they told him he was wasting his time and, more importantly, the scarce amount of money he didn't have. He loves his parents, but their advice wasn't in his best interest. He ignored it, thankfully, and has changed his entire outlook. Now there is a different world for him.

His self-esteem changed when he realized that his life was bad by most people's standards, but his potential was far above and beyond even moderately succesful people. He simply needed to define where he wanted to end up in order to get there - goal setting at its best.

So his self-esteem changed with his outlook. Mine changed with a realization that certain people weren't as important as I had envisioned them. Others may change with an A on a test, or graduating from college. Maybe it takes a different outward change like a promotion to change the self-esteem of others. However, nothing changes until it is realized inwardly.

I hope that everyone can come to a point in their own life where they respect what people say, but don't necessarily need what anyone else says in order to function. Yes, it's true, lol, I hope that you can take my advice or leave it... and we can still be friends.

Take care.

-Bill