To Dad and to you

This was supposed to be the toughest month of my life. It wasn't. As a matter of fact, October 6th wasn't even the toughest day of my life... but it should have been. For those that don't know, Dad passed away at about 5:50 am October 6th - and I barely cried. There were definitely tears, but not nearly what I expected. And there was a tinge of pain, but that was it. It was no worse than an annoyance, but it wasn't because I didn't love him. It was because I had no regrets and while many people say that when something like this happens, most are only diverting attention from the way they truly feel. I, on the other hand, mean it to my core.

Look, I got 30 years with him. What more could I ask for? Another day? At the expense of what? His pain? Another day wasn't worth it, and, while I wasn't looking forward to his death; I welcomed an end to his suffering. It just seemed that whenever something was fixed, another thing broke. It was a perpetual negative spiral with only one possible result. The only real question was just how many things would break before the end.

I do know one particular thing that broke though. On the last day that he was upright and able to speak to me as if nothing was wrong... the 4th, a Wednesday morning, I was heading to work. By doctor's orders the night before we had given him a larger dose of medication that would make him feel better by reducing the swelling in his brain and figured he'd be feeling the effects that morning. He wasn't. I believe he felt worse. Surely it was due to the fact that his kidneys had already begun to fail. Regardless, I looked at him and that's when my heart broke.

Uncontrollably, the tears started to fall, and Dad expressed the same language he'd used since I'd been alive, except, in the past few years it was almost an inside joke that he had never been as tough as everyone thought he was. We all knew he was nothing more than a big teddy bear, but he wasn't going to let anyone know who didn't already. It takes the edge off the intimidation when he looks at you, sees the tears, and says, "What the hell's wrong with you?". Like he didn't know. But he said it with that same glint in his eye he always had when he was the one telling the joke.

I told him, "You know what's wrong Dad. That medicine was supposed to make things better. And now look at you. It seems that things are worse, and you know what? That's just not fair." Now I don't want you to think that I felt life's not fair. That wasn't what I was saying. I just wanted him to have an expected, positive, planned result, but it just didn't happen that way.

I walked over, kissed him on the top of his bald head and said, "I just want you to know..." and he cut me off.

"You don't have to say it. I already know." And after a few words and some advice from him about some job offers I've had, I left... and cried all the way to work.

I had no idea that would be our last conversation. I was crying because of his pain, not my possible loss. In my mind there was no way we would lose him so soon, and I reiterated that sentiment to my brother later that evening at Denny's when he said, "Bill, I'll be surprised if he lives through the weekend." I told him we couldn't be so lucky.

"Travis, this is cancer. Cancer's not short. It won't end until it drains every possible ounce of pain that he could possibly feel out of him. He hasn't had the pleasure of strokes, or heart attacks, or months of barely responsive bouts of being bed-ridden. So, no Travis, we couldn't be so lucky as to lose him now before he has to go through all of that."

I don't know that I've ever been happier to be wrong.

When Mom called me Thursday evening, I knew that was the end. The worst part for me was going to be how to talk to someone who will die within hours or, at most, days. What do you say to someone in that situation? Turns out there was nothing to say. He was barely responsive and in so much pain that the morphine drip didn't seem to be easing it at all. He was hearing things, and sometimes responding, but it was random and he was mostly unconscious.

After midnight it was time to go home. I couldn't do anything for him sitting there in that room and I had to work the next day because I couldn't take the chance that he may live indefinitely while I keep using sick time to do nothing for him but sit - while he suffered and, in my mind at least, more than likely feeling embarrassed by his pain. So before Travis and I went home we both went to say goodbye. Travis went first and told him he loved him as he kissed him on the forehead. You wouldn't believe the mixed emotions I felt when Dad replied with what can only be described as a higher pitched yet incredibly well enunciated moan - "I love you!"

My emotions were mixed because I was thrilled that Dad had said that to him, and hoped he had the strength to say the same to me, but with that also came the realization that he may be more lucid than I had thought. That was the tough part. I realized that he may be trapped in that body in incredible amounts of pain with all the thought processes that weren't supposed to be there at that time. He was supposed to be in, what I hoped was, nearly a morphine induced coma. Maybe he wasn't... that thought hurt.

As Travis walked away in tears I repeated exactly the same actions he had with the same results. Dad's final words to me were "I love you!" It made up for every argument we ever had and every time I wished he'd seen things differently. It was as beautiful as when he first laid eyes on my newborn daughter and son.

Then I left.

I went home, fought with sleep or lack thereof, finally went to bed around three and got the call about three hours later.





The planning was easy. The family and friends that came that weekend were amazing, and we laughed way more than we ever cried. Mom asked me to do the eulogy. I had a feeling she might, and didn't know what to say. "You don't have to if you don't want to." she said.

"No Mom, I have to. I'll take care of it."

So the night before the funeral I wrote from midnight until 2:30 am. The next morning I woke, had my best friend read it to make sure nothing was glaringly wrong before I had to say it in front of everyone, and he teared up - called me a mean name too. That's when I knew it was ok. Throughout the entire service I kept re-reading it trying to catch mistakes and when it came time, I stepped up to the pulpit. Read some incredibly appropriate verses that my Aunt Becky had given me. And finished with a eulogy that I got a lot of requests for afterwards so I'm letting everyone read:

Good morning everyone and thank you for coming to share this time with us.

While we are all grieving an incredible loss, we have truly honored my father by enjoying our time together at his wake. He, being a simple man, did not want his funeral to be anything special. Nothing glamorous. He wanted us to be comfortable, to laugh, and most of all he wanted us to enjoy those most precious to us; our friends and family - and I can tell you that we have.

I could come here and tell you that every day is a gift, but Dad already proved that better than anyone else. I could also tell you that life is too short, but then again, he proved that as well. Those clichés are appropriate, but don't get to the root of my Dad.

In planning for this, I decided to instead tell you the lessons he taught by merely living life. It should be written as a book titled, "The 10 best ways to be happy" by William Moran, Jr. All we had to do was watch and pay attention and we could all learn.

#10 - "You can't be a well-driller" - You will start somewhere in life. It will not be at the top and the sooner you figure that out the happier you'll be. So, work hard and realize that you will get to where you want to go eventually, but don't expect it today. As a matter of fact, just do a good job and appreciate that. Everything else will come if you keep your eyes open.

#9 - Just because you're the biggest kid on the block doesn't mean that gives you the right to beat everyone up. Now, there may be a time when someone forces you to escort them out the door. When that time comes make sure you do it in a way that they know you meant it - essentially heaving them airborne across the sidewalk. But never do it because you don't like the person you're throwing out. Do it because you love the people that choose to stay in.

#8 - Stay an extra 5 minutes: regardless if dinner's on and you really didn't have much to talk about anyways. Dinner will wait, and you just never know how much you'll make that person's day by caring enough to give 5 more minutes even after you swore you were leaving 5 minutes ago.

#7 - Flirt a little. Scratch that. Flirt a lot. Flirt regardless of age or looks, just make sure you do it and make sure you do it well enough that you see their eyes light up every time you do it.

#6 - Cussing at something will make it work better than kicking it, but only marginally better. Sometimes kicking it is necessary too, but at that point all bets are off because patience can be a virtue, but it can also be an inconvenience. Treat it that way. Also make sure that, if you lose your patience, those around you should at least benefit not only from a good story about what you did, but the new cuss words you taught them as well.

#5 - There's nothing that a little ingenuity and a huge collection of things that no one else wants can't accomplish. If your belt buckle breaks repeatedly, use old seat belt buckles. They'll not only never break, but they're also a great way to embarrass your family when out in public.

#4 - Don't get addicted. Now that doesn't mean that a party shouldn't be a party. Developing a tolerance means that you carry the people home that said they'd drink you under the table. You should be able to drink with the best of them, but never let the alcohol consume you.

#3 - Be fiercely loyal. Defend those you're loyal to at all cost. After all, you love them regardless of their flaws, plans, or whatever anyone else says about them. They are your family and friends. Remain vigilant and realize that some day you may be asked to stand with them in a pile of manure. Look forward to it.

#2 - Keep a good sense of humor. Always, always, always keep a good sense of humor. One great zinger will make your day and everyone else's around you. And, a little off color humor never hurt anyone either, but use it sparingly. Laugh your way through life - it shows off your dimples and they always tie in with #7 flirting - the girls love them and blue eyes.

#1 - Be a family man. Love your family until it nearly hurts. Love and respect your parents because there is so much to learn and enjoy with them. Love your brothers and sisters because they aren't just your family but your best friends too. Love your spouse because she means the world to you and being away from her feels like there's a part of you that is perpetually missing. Love your kids because they will bring you more joy than you can imagine if you raise them right. They will make mistakes – lots of them. Don't let them get away without at least acknowledging those mistakes, but then again, let them get away a few things they probably shouldn't have in the first place.

And lastly, when it comes to family, be the most amazing Grandfather anyone's ever known.

Alex, Liam, Hannah, and McKaily. I don't need to explain this to you at all. You already know that you had the greatest Pappy ever. And while you may not understand all that is going on here, I want to be sure that you understand that you were the pride of his life. Your pappy had a way of lighting up a room when he was there, but you had a way of lighting the room for him. When you were there while he was sick he looked like he didn't hurt anymore. And I want you to know that, even as little as you are, you made him feel better than any medicine ever could.

In closing I want everyone to know how much he loved all of you, and that is the best way to put it... love. Not only did my dad never meet a stranger, he never met a stranger that wasn't welcome to the house for Thanksgiving dinner. I have never met anyone with a bad thing to say about him and to be honest it was pretty rare that he had anything bad to say about anyone else.

I believe we are all honored to have known and loved him. He just wouldn't have wanted us to make such a big deal. As a matter of fact I'm positive that this is the only way that we could possibly have a gathering in his honor, say anything good about him and still keep him in the same room. If he were alive he'd still be sitting in the truck and we'd be out there begging him to come in.

Take care everyone and thanks again for coming from all over the country to mourn his death, but more importantly, to celebrate and honor his life.

I need to thank some people before I go any further. First, to my best friend Ed, who was literally by my side attending to anything he could while he was here. He made everything run smoothly when it could have been a disaster. Secondly, to Raegan. She edited that entire eulogy for me and she took care of the most important part - she left it alone. I wanted something that read the same way I said it down to the word. She made sure it was right without changing anything I said. I don't think she'll ever realize what a big deal that was to me even though she doesn't seem to think so. Thirdly, I want to thank the friends that were there, sent a card or gift, made a comment on myspace, or were just thinking about my family. Danean may have given me one of the biggest laughs I had all weekend with talk of slumber parties.

Lastly, I don't want to thank my family, but I want them to know that they are the ones that made this whole thing special. I enjoy being around them more than anyone should. (You're supposed to constantly complain about your family aren't you?) But I have no complaints. They are the best, and yes Tarin, I promise I'll come to Pittsburgh to visit.

There are many more stories to tell about this whole thing including one about a funeral crasher, no seriously, a real live funeral crasher, but maybe we'll come back to those at a later date. For now though, make sure that when people you love die you can have a fantastic time of it because you believe that neither of you had any regrets. Make sure that the last thing they ever experienced with you was that you loved them and that's all you can do.

Take care everyone.

-Bill

Tears won't change things...

My Dad has cancer.

It's not your everyday, ordinary, "go get some chemo and odds are you'll be alright for a few years" type of cancer either. No, it's the real deal; lung, brain, lymph nodes, bone marrow type. The type that isn't controlled or even maintained easily. It's the type that has the potential to make him suffer... a lot.

One thing about dad is that he'll be as tough as anyone who ever battled the disease. I know because in thirty years of being around him he has always been the toughest man I've ever known... and that is objectively speaking. The stories that I hear say he knocked out a horse once by punching it between the eyes. (A response to it nearly trampling small children). He carried cross ties by twos... on his shoulders. I personally saw him lift a Volkswagen Beetle onto its side by himself, and the knuckle prints are still in the steel door at their house from when he once lost his patience (which happened a lot before the grandkids were born).

When I was a kid, I never really got into one of those arguments that "my dad could beat up your dad" I didn't need to because in my mind there was no debate. I'd already seen him do his Lou Ferigno impression. When I was still a toddler he scared me by shredding his shirt like the Incredible Hulk. It was then that I knew all I needed to. No one's dad can beat up the Incredible Hulk. No one's. And my Dad was easily just as big and strong as him so what was the point in arguing? The Incredible Hulk would never beat up someone's Dad just to prove he could - and my Dad wouldn't either.

And that's the real point of the story.

It's 27 years after the shirt shredding incident and he was laid up, barely able to do anything, and not realizing that cancer was ravaging him, when I had a wake to go to. After he realized who I was going to see and that he'd known the guy and his wife for years he told me: "You tell Steve (the widower) that if he needs anything to just call me. I know I can't do much right now but as soon as I'm feeling better I'll take care of it. And if I can't, it won't matter, we'll get it taken care of somehow. You just make sure you tell him I'm sorry I can't be there, but no matter what he needs, if we can help we will." That's Dad in a nutshell. That's how he's always been. Whether beneficial or not, he's always thought of other people first.

He's going to have a really tough time with this sickness, but not because of the reasons that others have. He'll feel pain throughout the process, but you won't be able to tell it. What will hurt him the most is that he can't just tell someone he can help and necessarily do it all the time. He's the one who will need the help and that will madden him most of all. He doesn't like people making a big deal about him. Heck, when we had a surprise birthday party for him a few years ago, he didn't even want to come in after he found out what it was. Mom finally drug him from the parking lot.

So, I just wanted everyone to know... Dad's sick. It's painful for me and my family to experience, but it can't compare to what he must go through every day. However, you must know that there is one beautiful part to all this. Dad's sickness has reminded us all that every single day is a gift, and we should stop worrying about things that don't involve reminding those around us that we love them. Dad has always had his own ways of showing it, but you'd be hard pressed to find anyone around him that doesn't know he cares.

Take care of yourselves, and I didn't realize how appropriate it would be to say...

be better... Dad. I love you.

-Bill(y)

Manage to be amazing: Pt 1

Don't think for one second this post only applies to business. Life is full of managing those around you (and it's an art form), but as an easy example, let's start with business just for simplicity's sake.

Everyone thinks that managing is about writing schedules and making sure that sick days are covered. It's not. Let me clarify; most days you have to do those things but you have a higher purpose than the mundane tasks that anyone who passed the 8th grade could do. You, as a manager, are called to provide more than a schedule. You're called to create a lifestyle to those in your charge. You must manage in a way that inspires people - even if you don't think you're particularly inspiring. Sound like babysitting? Well...

It's more than that too.

People go to work nearly one third of their lives and you'll notice a pretty simple pattern during that time. Show up, mark time until lunch (accomplishing whatever is necessary to avoid getting fired), go to lunch, repeat the moves from before lunch while trying to avoid getting caught playing tetris, taking a nap or (gasp!) reading blogs, then go home. They pray for snow days or power outages or some days they hope they can get sick to avoid reporting for duty - minus the guilt of lying. A third of your life is an awfully lot of time to repeat that, ad nauseum, Monday through Friday. It's also awfully long to stay in a caustic environment.

The workplace has been turned into its own eco system. It is a sterile environment where no one expects things to go wrong, or people to misspeak. It's believed that nothing bad will happen if you just follow the corporate manual; after all, they've thought of everything. They've determined the most effective ways to do every possible task to possibly include cleanup after a bathroom break (if you know what I mean). They think that all will be perfect if everyone "just does their job".

...but it won't.

To err is human but, more importantly, people have unique desires. They want different interactions, different versions of praise, different methods of remuneration, even different comfort levels while "putting in their time". As a manager, opening your eyes to those desires when unprepared can be a scary proposition. You will not only see the utter ineffectiveness of your current setup, but it will also reveal a horrible mirror that will make you feel ugly. You will quickly see that you are looking at those people, who rely on you to be able to feed their family and live in their house, through the filter of your own needs and desires... and who wouldn't? It's easy to do, but that filter is not reality, and it will not lend itself to the success of your organization.

You've obviously worked very hard to attain the position you're in. You studied and stayed late or you came in early and worked through lunch. Maybe you read the user manuals that no one else could, or would, for that matter. There were even some months where, I'm sure, you couldn't remember what a day off looked like. You were the best at what you did and your reward is your current position.

Some may be grumbling now, "...not much of a reward...", but this is what you worked for. You wanted to change the world or the industry or at least your office, but under the weight of policies and trying to keep everyone's personality in check, you're back to autopilot. You write the schedules and make sure everyone's playing not to lose. Oh you tell them everyone's playing to win, but at this point you're worried about your own tail end. So, you just want to make it to the next day. You want to make sure that one particular employee doesn't shoot his mouth off at the wrong time and no one breaks the computer trying to do something they shouldn't be.

I'm here to tell you the management world is different than just putting out fires like that.

If you aren't recognizing that your work environment has degraded into a hum drum, repititious, stagnant place then you are failing. Regardless of what the bottom line says, I can guarantee you are seeing significantly diminished results at best, and it will only get worse.

Sounds hopeless, doesn't it? Well it isn't.

People in your organization are not only truly unique, but also have inherent talents that can be exploited to everyone's advantage (especially their own) and your job is to, first, discover those talents: then, figure out how those talents will reshape and possibly recreate your environment.

You are going to need to ask a lot of questions and most of them will be uncomfortable. You will evaluate talent in a way that determines whether someone is truly where they want to be, but, more importantly, whether where they want to be is good for them and in the same stroke good for your business as well.

Let's take my mom for example.

I said in a previous post that she advised one of her employees on a different career. She has actually helped him develop a completely different career path. It won't involve her company at all but it was still the right move because she is developing the employee and not the position. That part needs to sink in on people because that is the important part to realize in this entire post. DEVELOP THE EMPLOYEE NOT THE POSITION.

What if they move on? Well what if they move on? Good for them. Look, if someone's going to leave, whose terms do you want them leaving on? Do you want them to leave angry or singing your praises? If a person is a poor fit in your organization, but they are a good employee worth the time you'll spend on them, then spend the time and help them get where they want to go. Most times you'll have enough time to train their replacement, and they'll even help because the process is positive all around. They'll get what they want and you'll get what you want - someone who's a better fit in your environment. Hire better. Spend a lot of time in the interview and fill the position correctly.

If this is your policy, you will attract better employees for less money because they'll search you out. This policy will make you remarkable and you will develop an amazing reputation for your hiring and training systems.

I'm going to close here for now. I'll continue, in the next couple blogs, but there is one very important, emotionally charged blog that needs to be written first. It'll be up soon.

Take care and be better.

-Bill

It's not my fault.

" ...but Bill you don't understand - it's not my fault."

I heard this again yesterday. He was talking about a mislabeled electric box that almost got a few people killed (myself included; sparks and natural gas are not a good combo). He was blaming it on the electrician, and you know what?

I didn't care.

I was mad. He has embellished the story to THE BRUNETTE one time too many, and now he's got me to deal with. I love interacting in a positive, upbeat manner, but sometimes I even snap and the contractor who remodeled her house has pushed me to that point.

He helped me figure out one thing though; I don't care whose fault it is. I care whose responsibility it is to get it fixed. We can point fingers all day, and people love to do that. I guess I'm just at a point in my life where I don't have time to point fingers.

This guy's a business owner and there he is telling me how "none of this is my fault." Well of course not. You didn't actually do any of the work. You hired people to do it - apparently so you could blame them when everything inevitably goes wrong. That's real mature, keep pointing fingers. I'll keep getting angrier.

All I wanted him to do is tell me how it was going to get fixed - and he did. Apparently, after he screws things up, I'm to call someone else to fix them. This guy really needs to be introduced to working smarter, not harder.

Let me explain it another way. You should look at things in your life and see if you're blaming someone for something that's wrong. Now, take it to the next step. That "thing" that you're blaming them for; whose problem is it? Is it their's? If yes, great, but if not, and it's your problem or responsibility you need to fix the problem. Then deal with fault after. You may find that blame doesn't matter at all.

My next blog will be about what to do with the assessment after the problem.

Take care.

Be better.

-Bill

Give... give more

I need to tell you... be nice, you never know when it'll literally pay off.

Don't believe me?

Ok, one night, a few months ago, my mom calls me to ask if I can help one of her employees write a bio for a new company he's working for on the side. I didn't even know the guy - never met him... and it's after 10 p.m. (Now, as a side note, I want to comment on my mom doing the right thing as a manager. She was helping her employee better himself even though it would not directly benefit her company. Note I said that was the RIGHT thing to do. I'll explain why in another blog.)

I nearly said "No." Wouldn't you? I mean you get a call after 10 to write a piece as a favor for someone you've never met for no pay, and you're broke to boot. I do things like that a lot for people I know. I don't mind doing it as a favor, but the pay sucks. For someone I don't know? Enough is enough.

Well, I did it anyways. He needed help. I gave him what he wanted and he became a raving fan. Funny, that never helped my wallet... before that night. I knew he didn't have much money. He works for the same company my mom does, they've never exactly been known for the incredible salaries they hand out. He explained that he'd pay me as soon as he made money with his new job. I said, "Yeah, that's what I always hear."

He said, "I'm going to show them this. I'm going to get them to have you do all their writing and advertising...". I was skeptical to say the least.

Anyways, long story short. I now have a new client: My Broker Realty. I received an email from them a day later and we began working together almost immediately. They have been very receptive to my ideas and theories and are well on their way to becoming a real estate heavy hitter in the Eastern Panhandle of WV. If they maintain their tenacity and creativity, there won't be any stopping them.

It just goes to show you: when you don't think you have anything more to give, give anyways. The results could be just what you expect, but sometimes you may receive far more than you gave.

Take care.

Be better.

-Bill

Another year wiser?

Yeah, yeah - I'm thirty now.

The jokes really weren't too bad. The gifts only included one bottle of Geritol (and Ginko Beloba), but were otherwise very nice. The party was smaller than I'd have liked, but I got to see a lot of people that I really enjoy seeing - and having them all in the same room was fantastic.

Now, if you're reading this blog and weren't there, have no fear. Things come up. People can't make it, I couldn't invite EVERYONE, some people could have made it had we not all left when we did, and I'm not worried either way. I'm not writing this blog to make anyone feel guilty. I appreciate the ones who were there and can't wait to see everyone who wasn't there. That's not why I decided to write.

A dear friend of mine chuckled the other day when I called her back - "You even say 'Take care.' at the end of your message on your voice mail". She was referring to the fact that I say it, write it, close emails with it, chat with it and even leave it at the end of comments all the time. If I have one overused term - "Take care." is definitely it.

The thing is, I mean it. I truly think about it when I say it. I genuinely want people to take care, and I definitely want them to know I feel that way. But maybe it's time for an update.

So, today, after my nap, my dose of prune juice, and labored trip to my walker, my thoughts were kind of recounting everything that's happened in thirty years and I was wondering what I want to say to people now that I'm officially "wiser" (notice I keep ignoring the other part of that term). It wasn't a simple at first. Nothing seemed to do the job in my head that "Take care" did.

Then, it struck me. I need a statement that really lets people know how I feel; something that empowers them more. I need something that no one else is willing to take the time to think of to close their emails with, but it still need a colloquialism that is simple yet meaningful.

I need to tell everyone to "Be better".

It leaves a lot open for interpretation, and you might even look at it as a challenge, but that's what I want for you... and me.

For me, "be better" brings to mind the fact that I can be better at anything. I can be a much better father, or son. Lord knows I can be a better friend. I can be a better writer or driver or listener. I can be a better student or role model. I can even try to be better than someone else if I'm going to be competitive. I can just be better.

All I have to do is focus on being better at any one of those things to actually be better. The real beauty is, that sometimes, to be better I only have to be marginally better today, but marginally better is still better.

So, I'll tell you to take care, and I mean it when I say it, but expect a lot more "Be better"s in the future. I'll guarantee you'll find them in your emails and maybe also coming soon to a voice mail near you.

Thank you all for being part of my life during significant parts of the past thirty years. It always amazes me to think of the profound effect so many people have had on me, and, if you're reading this, odds are you're one of them.

Be better.

-Bill