I'm just not publishing. lol
I had a weird week.
I wrote for a few hours the other night and what I wrote was good. It was actually really good after I cleaned it up.
Scathing though, and well I just don't want to be that way. So it sits like several others... unpublished. It used to bother me when I wrote and it never saw daylight. Now, I think it's a necessary step in what I do. Sometimes I'm wrong in what I say.
Sometimes I allow emotion to control what flows out of my mind and into it too, for that matter, and I really shouldn't.
Sometimes I fill in blanks and I'm off target. More often than not... I'm dead on.
Go with your hunches, go with your gut. You will be wrong every now and then, I'll warn you. You should, however, still develop a good relationship with your hunches. We have instinct for something, so we may as well use it.
Instinct, such a feral word in an information age. Most would have you believe that instincts went out with stone wheels, but not me. I believe that we ignore our gut feelings too much. We train ourselves to get facts, and by the time all of them are laid out, we could have went with our hunch, been wrong, suffered the consequences, and recovered already. It doesn't always work like that, but I think if you recount what's happened to you in life, you'll find that to be the case in more than a few situations you've been in.
There's nothing wrong with leg work and getting facts. That's great, but you need a good balance in life - in every way.
Hunches work on a more mysterious, but no less scietific level. Hunches are based on everything where facts are based on something. If you think about it, you'll realize that your mind is taking care of the little details like eye contact, posture, vocal rhythm and timbre, hand motions, fidgeting, everything. All that and more gets figured into why you don't want to do something when the facts say that everything else is fine.
I'll say this. I take a stab in the dark, every now and then, that pays off, and sometimes, I take one that gets me in a bit of hot water. The people that I care about understand that about me. They know that I've probably thought through every other scenario, and that's the best conclusion I can come up with. They also know that if I say something that offended them, based solely on a gut feeling, that it wasn't anything personal (And let's be honest here. In reality aren't the people that we care about the only ones we truly care if we offend? I guess if you were at a job interview or something, but other than that, the circumstances are pretty few.) They know that I'm normally missing a key piece of info, if that happens. They also know that if I'm proven wrong, I won't try to fight my way out of the corner.
That's another part of all this, you sometimes have to lose.
I'm as competitive as anyone I know, and, while I may not be the happiest person in the world when I lose, I make a concerted effort to be gracious. As far as how I make other people feel in life, I try to be the same way. If it turns out I'm wrong, well then I'm wrong, and apologetic or remorseful doesn't quite correctly define the way I feel.
That all really applies to those I care about. The ones I don't? I feel bad, and my memory normally abuses me for it, but I recover quickly. Any more, I'm starting to care less for everyone I don't already care about. I find that there are either people who want to take advantage of everything and everyone available, and people who give to those people. There isn't really any room for people in between. Those two groups break down into smaller groups too, based on the quality of their conscience, but realistically - that's it.
So, I guess that's all. Go with your gut. If they care, they'll be fine with it. If they don't, you shouldn't care, so what's the big deal? You didn't actually lose anything.
Take care,
Mo
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Free Thoughts
Tonight I'm writing. Period. I don't know what it will be about, I don't know where I'm going, but I'm writing. That's it.
As I'm sure you can tell, my mood hasn't been the best for a few days. I think it's the stress of work plus the stress of normalcy being anything but normal. I work in an environment that is unpredictable by nature and when administration proliferates that agenda instead of providing a solid foundation, well it causes even more stress.
We sell every day. We're full of it... we are. We say things in the heat of the moment that most normal people would never say in their lifetimes, much less regularly.
We have lines, like we're trying to pick up women, but in reality, we may be no different than a bum on a corner. We, like him, will say anything possible (mostly true, and the parts that aren't are normally for the customers sake as in "Your credit wasn't approved because our computers are down.") to make a sale. In reality, on average we make only a few dollars per sale. So, what really seperates us? We have overhead? We are selling a product AND ourselves, they're only seling themselves? They have more opportunities at customers? I don't know. I can't answer that yet.
Maybe my quote from Dante on the last post has me cornered now.
In a perfect world the manipulation wouldn't be necessary, but this world is far from being perfect and even I am not so idealistic to believe that it is possible to sell people based solely on merits of the product and its design alone. We sell romance, a watered down version of selling sex. We sell pre-sex. lol
0 out of 10 is a horrible ratio, but 1 out of 11 is really good. That's what keeps me going.
Mom: "You still have your cough!"
Daughter: "I know, Nanah. I got it from my brother."
Mom: "Why don't you give it back? lol"
Daughter:"I would, but everyone keeps telling me to cover my mouth!"
She's 4.
Now's the best time to start. Whether it's good or bad, I'll start emailing posting updates. So, if you're reading and I don't have your email on the list, then you only need to post to comments your address or email me personally billymo at verizon dot net. (I wrote it that way because spam bots will pick up your addy from a website if you post it there. Just remove all spaces and put it in the format the way it sounds.)
A divisive thought has entered into my life. A guy I know was looking into going to Iraq for a year to work on computers. I'm thinking about it too. It would be on base, so I assume that safety would be a minimal risk. It would pay very well. That year alone could easily pay all my debt, buy a car and pay for my kids' tuition through college (depending where they go). Realistically, the money would be invested after the car, and I'd use what was needed to start my own business when I get back. In all reality, I'd miss the kids for 26 weeks. That's all I'll see them next year anyways. As far as milestones, I'd miss my daughter's first day of school, but I had no guarantees of being there as it is. With the way my divorce works, I really have no guarantees of any time with them during holidays.
It's all merely thought and speculation at this point, but I am giving it very serious thought. Money talks, and that much money speaks very loudly. Not only that, it also has a way of lingering in your thoughts. Much like infatuation.
Everyone says to go for it when you have nothing to lose, because you have... nothing to lose. That's encouraging, but it's easy to say. I couldn't figure out why that logic doesn't work on people and the other day I had a thought: the real problem lies in the universal law that nothing is free. Those who have so little have no desire to sacrifice any of what little they have, taking a huge risk on that which they can't even imagine. Realistically we are then asking someone untrained to fly on the trapeze... with no net.
Now, before you start getting up in arms, I am an optimistic person. I'm realistic though, and discussions like these will help everyone with a workaround for the logic. I'm not exposing anything in my thoughts that won't help someone in the long run. I'm also sure that my mind will work on this thought, like it does so many others, until I have a new resolution.
Where are you right now? What are you doing? I mean obviously, you're at a computer, but are you at home? Are you at work? What did you do today? I'm always curious about that when I write this. lol. People rarely write comments but I do hear about it. So, I figured I'd ask.
I've come to the conclusion, I'm an information junkie. I can't get enough of it. That's why I don't watch too much tv. Because of that, I hate to hear the words "I don't know", especially if they're followed directly by a complete lack of interest of ever addressing the question again.
I think that's enough for one night. The lesson... Don't place all your eggs in one basket. I still have to learn that one.
Take care,
Mo
As I'm sure you can tell, my mood hasn't been the best for a few days. I think it's the stress of work plus the stress of normalcy being anything but normal. I work in an environment that is unpredictable by nature and when administration proliferates that agenda instead of providing a solid foundation, well it causes even more stress.
We sell every day. We're full of it... we are. We say things in the heat of the moment that most normal people would never say in their lifetimes, much less regularly.
We have lines, like we're trying to pick up women, but in reality, we may be no different than a bum on a corner. We, like him, will say anything possible (mostly true, and the parts that aren't are normally for the customers sake as in "Your credit wasn't approved because our computers are down.") to make a sale. In reality, on average we make only a few dollars per sale. So, what really seperates us? We have overhead? We are selling a product AND ourselves, they're only seling themselves? They have more opportunities at customers? I don't know. I can't answer that yet.
Maybe my quote from Dante on the last post has me cornered now.
In a perfect world the manipulation wouldn't be necessary, but this world is far from being perfect and even I am not so idealistic to believe that it is possible to sell people based solely on merits of the product and its design alone. We sell romance, a watered down version of selling sex. We sell pre-sex. lol
0 out of 10 is a horrible ratio, but 1 out of 11 is really good. That's what keeps me going.
Mom: "You still have your cough!"
Daughter: "I know, Nanah. I got it from my brother."
Mom: "Why don't you give it back? lol"
Daughter:
She's 4.
Now's the best time to start. Whether it's good or bad, I'll start emailing posting updates. So, if you're reading and I don't have your email on the list, then you only need to post to comments your address or email me personally billymo at verizon dot net. (I wrote it that way because spam bots will pick up your addy from a website if you post it there. Just remove all spaces and put it in the format the way it sounds.)
A divisive thought has entered into my life. A guy I know was looking into going to Iraq for a year to work on computers. I'm thinking about it too. It would be on base, so I assume that safety would be a minimal risk. It would pay very well. That year alone could easily pay all my debt, buy a car and pay for my kids' tuition through college (depending where they go). Realistically, the money would be invested after the car, and I'd use what was needed to start my own business when I get back. In all reality, I'd miss the kids for 26 weeks. That's all I'll see them next year anyways. As far as milestones, I'd miss my daughter's first day of school, but I had no guarantees of being there as it is. With the way my divorce works, I really have no guarantees of any time with them during holidays.
It's all merely thought and speculation at this point, but I am giving it very serious thought. Money talks, and that much money speaks very loudly. Not only that, it also has a way of lingering in your thoughts. Much like infatuation.
Everyone says to go for it when you have nothing to lose, because you have... nothing to lose. That's encouraging, but it's easy to say. I couldn't figure out why that logic doesn't work on people and the other day I had a thought: the real problem lies in the universal law that nothing is free. Those who have so little have no desire to sacrifice any of what little they have, taking a huge risk on that which they can't even imagine. Realistically we are then asking someone untrained to fly on the trapeze... with no net.
Now, before you start getting up in arms, I am an optimistic person. I'm realistic though, and discussions like these will help everyone with a workaround for the logic. I'm not exposing anything in my thoughts that won't help someone in the long run. I'm also sure that my mind will work on this thought, like it does so many others, until I have a new resolution.
Where are you right now? What are you doing? I mean obviously, you're at a computer, but are you at home? Are you at work? What did you do today? I'm always curious about that when I write this. lol. People rarely write comments but I do hear about it. So, I figured I'd ask.
I've come to the conclusion, I'm an information junkie. I can't get enough of it. That's why I don't watch too much tv. Because of that, I hate to hear the words "I don't know", especially if they're followed directly by a complete lack of interest of ever addressing the question again.
I think that's enough for one night. The lesson... Don't place all your eggs in one basket. I still have to learn that one.
Take care,
Mo
Sunday, November 14, 2004
...springs eternal, and falls on a whim
"The darkest places in Hell are reserved for those, who, in times of great moral crisis, mantain their neutrality."
-Dante
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on';
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count on you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!"
-Unknown
It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.
-Theodore Roosevelt
I had dinner tonight with another dear friend. (Have I said yet that I have the best friends in the world? lol) He needs a name... ummm... INTEGRITYLANE. We discussed his life, and my life and almost everything under the Sun, and you know what I came away with?
One: People are actually reading and being changed, (in a small way albeit I'm sure, but changed nonetheless) by what I write. He stood there... quoting me. I was not only flattered, but speechless. You have to understand... this is a guy I trust and admire. For him to be standing there repeating what I wrote, well it was a realization that helped me quickly conceive a new found respect for what I write. I realized even more than before that I need to watch what I write... people are watching.
When I started this blog, it was for fun. I had something to say, and I said it. My very first blog was about me having a bigger voice than I felt I had in the actual situation. It could have been very poorly taken by the person it was about, but it was true, and that's what needed to be said at the time.
After that it was observations, and just general life stuff. But now it's more fun than ever... because I don't know who's reading. People have emailed the link to their friends (something more than I've even done) and I have people I don't know reading. This adds a new twist of responsibility to which I say...
WRONG! lol
I'm going to keep on writing just the way I have, and I'll be as responsible as I've been... right or wrong. There are blog rules here that no one knows about... they'll keep me in check.
I am, however, humbled and honored to be quoted by a dear friend. That has motivatd me to come home and write about what I had already planned... hope.
Two: There is a certain amount of comfort you can have when you have someone who is positive and sees life without obstacles. He is the type of guy that I will surround myself with when I have my own company. He sees solutions in every problem, instead of problems in every solution.
People like him remind me of the only thing that may be more important than Love... hope. Even if you have no one in life that Loves you, you'll survive based on the hope that someone, someday will. So, by that rationale alone, hope is more important.
People commit suicide every day, unfortunately. All of these people have lost hope. Had they not, they'd still be upright. With hope we can endure anything, anything at all. It is what keeps us disciplined and our minds in the right place.
Our psyches are fragile, and I have seen even myself slip. Going with the flow sometimes means that the flow takes you to the gutter. I, like many others, have had my desires wrapped up in one small package to be opened at a date some time later. When later came... I found the box to be empty. I looked back only to find that I had learned a tough lesson in life. Sometimes the lesson is more important than what was originally thought to be wrapped, but that doesn't temper the pain.
I speak all the time, on here and in life, about success. Every day that I live I have a more difficult time explaining just exactly what that is for me. I don't know what it entails any more. I don't even know for sure what makes me qualify, when I do finally get there. (It's hard to know if you're in the right place if you've never been there before, and you don't have any way of knowing you're already there.) I am constantly thinking about this day where things will finally be better. I even tell people around me how good they will be, and I emphasize the WILL. I'm beginning to think they must all believe I'm a quack, lol. But I'm not.
Mark Cuban said in his blog... "You will fail many, many times in life. As a matter of fact, you can fail every time in life... except once. You only need to succeed once.", and he's right.
I was recruited yesterday by a gentleman that I worked with before. It was a horrible realization that I wasn't so different a year ago as when he had met me five years prior. It gave me the stark realization that every year I said it would get better, and every year, well it hasn't.
"Oh, but Mo think about your kids, and think about... blah, blah, blah."
I am, but it still doesn't change history. I do have great kids, and I do have great friends. What I don't have is the things that I wanted even then. Call me greedy, or selfish, or what have you, but clean off your own front porch before you start talking about mine. I am no where near my wit's end, but I am...
restless.
Everyone wants more - everyone. For even the most humble of men seeks to be more humble.
I'm curious when I can finally take my boots off and relax. I'm curious when this elusive success, that I have a tougher and tougher time every day defining, will finally come to visit.
Success can take it's boots off too... and please, by all means... stay a while. lol
Don't worry, I know. I'm going to have to visit success... you don't have to tell me. lol.
I have kept a running total of number of times I've taken a chance, a big one. I'll continue to do that. One thing though, as it's running, know this; they've all been failures - every one. The lessons learned were great, but they were still failures at the end of the day. Hope has kept me going on them. Mood determines the number. Time will only tell.
9
Take care,
Mo
-Dante
"If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on';
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count on you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!"
-Unknown
It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.
-Theodore Roosevelt
I had dinner tonight with another dear friend. (Have I said yet that I have the best friends in the world? lol) He needs a name... ummm... INTEGRITYLANE. We discussed his life, and my life and almost everything under the Sun, and you know what I came away with?
One: People are actually reading and being changed, (in a small way albeit I'm sure, but changed nonetheless) by what I write. He stood there... quoting me. I was not only flattered, but speechless. You have to understand... this is a guy I trust and admire. For him to be standing there repeating what I wrote, well it was a realization that helped me quickly conceive a new found respect for what I write. I realized even more than before that I need to watch what I write... people are watching.
When I started this blog, it was for fun. I had something to say, and I said it. My very first blog was about me having a bigger voice than I felt I had in the actual situation. It could have been very poorly taken by the person it was about, but it was true, and that's what needed to be said at the time.
After that it was observations, and just general life stuff. But now it's more fun than ever... because I don't know who's reading. People have emailed the link to their friends (something more than I've even done) and I have people I don't know reading. This adds a new twist of responsibility to which I say...
WRONG! lol
I'm going to keep on writing just the way I have, and I'll be as responsible as I've been... right or wrong. There are blog rules here that no one knows about... they'll keep me in check.
I am, however, humbled and honored to be quoted by a dear friend. That has motivatd me to come home and write about what I had already planned... hope.
Two: There is a certain amount of comfort you can have when you have someone who is positive and sees life without obstacles. He is the type of guy that I will surround myself with when I have my own company. He sees solutions in every problem, instead of problems in every solution.
People like him remind me of the only thing that may be more important than Love... hope. Even if you have no one in life that Loves you, you'll survive based on the hope that someone, someday will. So, by that rationale alone, hope is more important.
People commit suicide every day, unfortunately. All of these people have lost hope. Had they not, they'd still be upright. With hope we can endure anything, anything at all. It is what keeps us disciplined and our minds in the right place.
Our psyches are fragile, and I have seen even myself slip. Going with the flow sometimes means that the flow takes you to the gutter. I, like many others, have had my desires wrapped up in one small package to be opened at a date some time later. When later came... I found the box to be empty. I looked back only to find that I had learned a tough lesson in life. Sometimes the lesson is more important than what was originally thought to be wrapped, but that doesn't temper the pain.
I speak all the time, on here and in life, about success. Every day that I live I have a more difficult time explaining just exactly what that is for me. I don't know what it entails any more. I don't even know for sure what makes me qualify, when I do finally get there. (It's hard to know if you're in the right place if you've never been there before, and you don't have any way of knowing you're already there.) I am constantly thinking about this day where things will finally be better. I even tell people around me how good they will be, and I emphasize the WILL. I'm beginning to think they must all believe I'm a quack, lol. But I'm not.
Mark Cuban said in his blog... "You will fail many, many times in life. As a matter of fact, you can fail every time in life... except once. You only need to succeed once.", and he's right.
I was recruited yesterday by a gentleman that I worked with before. It was a horrible realization that I wasn't so different a year ago as when he had met me five years prior. It gave me the stark realization that every year I said it would get better, and every year, well it hasn't.
"Oh, but Mo think about your kids, and think about... blah, blah, blah."
I am, but it still doesn't change history. I do have great kids, and I do have great friends. What I don't have is the things that I wanted even then. Call me greedy, or selfish, or what have you, but clean off your own front porch before you start talking about mine. I am no where near my wit's end, but I am...
restless.
Everyone wants more - everyone. For even the most humble of men seeks to be more humble.
I'm curious when I can finally take my boots off and relax. I'm curious when this elusive success, that I have a tougher and tougher time every day defining, will finally come to visit.
Success can take it's boots off too... and please, by all means... stay a while. lol
Don't worry, I know. I'm going to have to visit success... you don't have to tell me. lol.
I have kept a running total of number of times I've taken a chance, a big one. I'll continue to do that. One thing though, as it's running, know this; they've all been failures - every one. The lessons learned were great, but they were still failures at the end of the day. Hope has kept me going on them. Mood determines the number. Time will only tell.
9
Take care,
Mo
Monday, November 08, 2004
Halo 2
7
Time to geek out a bit. Tonight is the Halo 2 release and I'll be busy playing it for a couple days. I will say this; I'm excited to write my next blog. I'm not even sure what I'll write about, but I do have one new thing I plan on doing, and I'll unveil it next time. It's not a big deal really, but the timing seems to be right, and I think it'll change things, a little, on here.
So that no one thinks I'm cheating on this blog (I am), I've decided to link to two sites tonight. I have two friends that are both very talented in what they do. http://www.denverllewellyn.com is where one now resides.
Denver (there I go breaking my rule again, this time it was done to protect him when I do give his pseudonym) has started a new site highlighting his art, and his bike riding. Those two things are done with such a passion that it's not only infectious, but truly a wonder to watch. Denver is one of those guys that could succeed in anything he ever tried if he wanted to. Luckily, for the art world, he has decided to make it his home. He will someday completely enrich that world ever more than he already has. I am truly excited by the possibilites that Denver brings to the table when anything is asked of him, so I know that the future is extremely bright for any projects on his radar.
Cory. Cory is one of those guys with so much potential he oozes it. He's real laid back and doesn't excite too easily. That's what will make him great at whatever he finally decides to completely focus on. He is very patient and understands clearly that good things will come. That's why he seems to be in no particular rush to jump into anything that he's not completely prepared to succeed at. His latest endeavour is a blog. It's early, but trust me on this one, it will be something you come back to regularly. I guarantee that he will make this as entertaining and intellectual as anything you'll read on the net. So give it a try.
http://cdyer.blogspot.com/
For now, I'm going to head off to my copy oh Halo 2. If you don't get what that is, you wouldn't understand anyways. Take care everybody.
Lots to do, lots to keep us all happy.
Next time... hope. I promise.
-Mo
Time to geek out a bit. Tonight is the Halo 2 release and I'll be busy playing it for a couple days. I will say this; I'm excited to write my next blog. I'm not even sure what I'll write about, but I do have one new thing I plan on doing, and I'll unveil it next time. It's not a big deal really, but the timing seems to be right, and I think it'll change things, a little, on here.
So that no one thinks I'm cheating on this blog (I am), I've decided to link to two sites tonight. I have two friends that are both very talented in what they do. http://www.denverllewellyn.com is where one now resides.
Denver (there I go breaking my rule again, this time it was done to protect him when I do give his pseudonym) has started a new site highlighting his art, and his bike riding. Those two things are done with such a passion that it's not only infectious, but truly a wonder to watch. Denver is one of those guys that could succeed in anything he ever tried if he wanted to. Luckily, for the art world, he has decided to make it his home. He will someday completely enrich that world ever more than he already has. I am truly excited by the possibilites that Denver brings to the table when anything is asked of him, so I know that the future is extremely bright for any projects on his radar.
Cory. Cory is one of those guys with so much potential he oozes it. He's real laid back and doesn't excite too easily. That's what will make him great at whatever he finally decides to completely focus on. He is very patient and understands clearly that good things will come. That's why he seems to be in no particular rush to jump into anything that he's not completely prepared to succeed at. His latest endeavour is a blog. It's early, but trust me on this one, it will be something you come back to regularly. I guarantee that he will make this as entertaining and intellectual as anything you'll read on the net. So give it a try.
http://cdyer.blogspot.com/
For now, I'm going to head off to my copy oh Halo 2. If you don't get what that is, you wouldn't understand anyways. Take care everybody.
Lots to do, lots to keep us all happy.
Next time... hope. I promise.
-Mo
Sunday, October 31, 2004
Very Important News Flash
I don't use real names on here - never. I don't know that I 've explained why, but I will now.
I believe that everyone on here deserves a certain amount of privacy, but me. The only ones who know exactly who I'm talking about are the ones who are normally in the exact situation discussed. I did this so that even if I say something that is unflattering about someone they can rest assured that the entire world doesn't know who they are. It isn't a personal attack. It was, more than likely, never meant to be.
This also allows people to have the freedom to let their friends read about themselves and not have to let them know that I'm speaking of them. It gives them a choice. Since I'm not allowing others to determine what I write, at least they have some solace.
Today, I'm going to make an exception though. Today is different - very different. Since this is newsworthy stuff and I feel that I have a duty, no an obligation to report this news.
Mary Cate Henry has been spotted traveling towards Hagerstown, MD.
That's it... thank you, and good night.
What?
You wanted more?
Man, you guys are demanding.
Okay.
Mary Cate Henry was seen travelling in a Pontiac Aztec - tonight.
Better? lol
I didn't think so.
Mary Cate Henry is only recently that at all. As a matter of fact, even as late as 2:30 this afternoon (we remembered the time change) she was not as she is now... she was much different...
She had a completely different name.
For, at 2:00 this afternoon the process had begun to turn her from Mary Cate O'Connor (one of my dearest and most Loved friends) to Mary Cate Henry (one of my dearest and most loved friends).
Now who, you may ask, could possibly be worthy of the hand of one of my dearest friends?
A friend so close that he is my son's Godfather.
Shawn Henry is as good a friend as anyone could ever ask, and more. I have had tough times, especially in the past year, and one person who I can say was there in the toughest, stickiest parts of the whole thing was Shawn. When no one else wanted to put up with me at 1 am Shawn was at Denny's drinking coffee with me. When things were at their worst he helped me remember that I was going through a process more than I was a tragedy in my own life. So, when I look at things now, and see what's around me, I can honestly say that Shawn was there then to help me get here now.
Maybe it isn't all that important when he thinks back on it, but it was important to me, and, since I'm the author here lol, that's all that matters.
I believe that if we all knew how much of a difference we've made in someone's life we can sleep better realizing that, even in the smallest things, we made an impact. Yes, it's idealistic and maybe it would even require us to wear a bit of our hearts on our sleeves (gasp!), but it'd change the world, and people like Shawn and Mary Cate would be it's leaders.
They (with the possible exception of their families) tell more people that they Love them than anyone I know. It doesn't have to be a relative or even the opposite sex. They just say it, with no thought of the words, and never leaving a crumb of doubt, that they absolutely meant it with all the gravity those few syllables could possibly carry.
Their outdoor wedding was absolutely beautiful. I think most fairy tale stories women come up with are very close to what my dear friends actually did. A beautiful woman and her gallant beau were married, outside, by a quiet pond, with a monk presiding. It was very fairy tale like, and the reception maintained that fantasy with a lively, sometimes raucous party with amazing ambience.
If there is any lesson today, it's to learn from them. Be happy. Be in Love. Just be, but do it so that people know you mean it.
So, heres to my friends, who are more like my family. May they have many, many days that turn into many, many years of the wonders and the mysteries that make life great by yourself. But make it all that much more amazing when you share it with that one person who makes all those mysteries and wonders reality.
Congratulations
SHAWN AND MARY CATE HENRY
I Love you both.
-Billy
P.S.
4
... and welcome back Calyn. I'm glad that you're safe.
I believe that everyone on here deserves a certain amount of privacy, but me. The only ones who know exactly who I'm talking about are the ones who are normally in the exact situation discussed. I did this so that even if I say something that is unflattering about someone they can rest assured that the entire world doesn't know who they are. It isn't a personal attack. It was, more than likely, never meant to be.
This also allows people to have the freedom to let their friends read about themselves and not have to let them know that I'm speaking of them. It gives them a choice. Since I'm not allowing others to determine what I write, at least they have some solace.
Today, I'm going to make an exception though. Today is different - very different. Since this is newsworthy stuff and I feel that I have a duty, no an obligation to report this news.
Mary Cate Henry has been spotted traveling towards Hagerstown, MD.
That's it... thank you, and good night.
What?
You wanted more?
Man, you guys are demanding.
Okay.
Mary Cate Henry was seen travelling in a Pontiac Aztec - tonight.
Better? lol
I didn't think so.
Mary Cate Henry is only recently that at all. As a matter of fact, even as late as 2:30 this afternoon (we remembered the time change) she was not as she is now... she was much different...
She had a completely different name.
For, at 2:00 this afternoon the process had begun to turn her from Mary Cate O'Connor (one of my dearest and most Loved friends) to Mary Cate Henry (one of my dearest and most loved friends).
Now who, you may ask, could possibly be worthy of the hand of one of my dearest friends?
A friend so close that he is my son's Godfather.
Shawn Henry is as good a friend as anyone could ever ask, and more. I have had tough times, especially in the past year, and one person who I can say was there in the toughest, stickiest parts of the whole thing was Shawn. When no one else wanted to put up with me at 1 am Shawn was at Denny's drinking coffee with me. When things were at their worst he helped me remember that I was going through a process more than I was a tragedy in my own life. So, when I look at things now, and see what's around me, I can honestly say that Shawn was there then to help me get here now.
Maybe it isn't all that important when he thinks back on it, but it was important to me, and, since I'm the author here lol, that's all that matters.
I believe that if we all knew how much of a difference we've made in someone's life we can sleep better realizing that, even in the smallest things, we made an impact. Yes, it's idealistic and maybe it would even require us to wear a bit of our hearts on our sleeves (gasp!), but it'd change the world, and people like Shawn and Mary Cate would be it's leaders.
They (with the possible exception of their families) tell more people that they Love them than anyone I know. It doesn't have to be a relative or even the opposite sex. They just say it, with no thought of the words, and never leaving a crumb of doubt, that they absolutely meant it with all the gravity those few syllables could possibly carry.
Their outdoor wedding was absolutely beautiful. I think most fairy tale stories women come up with are very close to what my dear friends actually did. A beautiful woman and her gallant beau were married, outside, by a quiet pond, with a monk presiding. It was very fairy tale like, and the reception maintained that fantasy with a lively, sometimes raucous party with amazing ambience.
If there is any lesson today, it's to learn from them. Be happy. Be in Love. Just be, but do it so that people know you mean it.
So, heres to my friends, who are more like my family. May they have many, many days that turn into many, many years of the wonders and the mysteries that make life great by yourself. But make it all that much more amazing when you share it with that one person who makes all those mysteries and wonders reality.
Congratulations
SHAWN AND MARY CATE HENRY
I Love you both.
-Billy
P.S.
4
... and welcome back Calyn. I'm glad that you're safe.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Well it ain't gonna update itself...
Yeah, yeah, I've been slacking. Well, actually, I haven't as much as you might think. This has been an extremely busy month for me; and as we meander towards Christmas I fear it may get worse.
So, what's been up?
White water rafting in October - cold, but a lot of fun.
Work is getting busy. I had a fantastic remount show, where I was part of an $18,000 sale. FEMALEATLAS can take credit for the other half. I honestly couldn't have made it as far as I have without her.
My daughter's birthday. She was a princess, (after opening her gifts and finding a Sleeping Beauty dress) as she'll be for Halloween, and forever in her Daddy's eyes. She's four. FOUR! And I can't believe how the time has flown, not to mention the joy she gives me. (Her brother's great too, but I'll go on and on about my son on his own birthday.)
WVU Football game. It never gets old, and I hope it never does. Every time I go there, I have a wonderful time. Win or lose, (though I obviously prefer a win), I always enjoy myself. They beat up on Syracuse, and we had great seats to watch.
I've been sick for a few days and made it to a bachelor party (should have stayed home to get better), and missed a wedding (did stay home to get better - that didn't work - feel guilty for it).
Overall, I keep changing my perspective on things. I believe you need to in order to stay young. There is always a different point to take. Your job is to find out if it's better.
After a discussion the other day I came up with a new thought:
If you haven't failed at anything in life then you probably haven't tried hard enough to succeed at anything in life. If that's the case, then your greatest fear should be that, on your deathbed, you look back and see that everything was a failure because you played not to lose.
Take it for what it's worth, but I thought about it because of me, not because of someone else that may be reading this right now. However, if it applies, and you think it may be the case, then maybe you need a new perspective too.
I realize that all my life I've played not to lose, and it's really time to start playing to win. The beauty of it all is that I can say, without shame, that I'm not a loser, lol, but I'm not exactly a winner either... yet. Time is on my side, for now. Some day, it won't be, but I hope that I'll look back and note how I played to win.
And, with all the experience I have not losing, I can't see how I could be anything less than what I expect of myself.
You may ask why I'm writing this. Sometimes you have to put it out for others to see before even you can understand. So, with this, I'm putting up a counter. Every time I update you'll see a new number. That number will be the number of times I have played to win cumulatively. As of right this second, I'm starting fresh, the number is:
0
This will serve as a reminder to you, and a way to keep score for me.
Take care of yourselves.
-Mo
P.S.
I'd really Love it if someone would come up with a good costume for me before Oct 29th. Post it here, I'm sure everyone will get a laugh.
So, what's been up?
White water rafting in October - cold, but a lot of fun.
Work is getting busy. I had a fantastic remount show, where I was part of an $18,000 sale. FEMALEATLAS can take credit for the other half. I honestly couldn't have made it as far as I have without her.
My daughter's birthday. She was a princess, (after opening her gifts and finding a Sleeping Beauty dress) as she'll be for Halloween, and forever in her Daddy's eyes. She's four. FOUR! And I can't believe how the time has flown, not to mention the joy she gives me. (Her brother's great too, but I'll go on and on about my son on his own birthday.)
WVU Football game. It never gets old, and I hope it never does. Every time I go there, I have a wonderful time. Win or lose, (though I obviously prefer a win), I always enjoy myself. They beat up on Syracuse, and we had great seats to watch.
I've been sick for a few days and made it to a bachelor party (should have stayed home to get better), and missed a wedding (did stay home to get better - that didn't work - feel guilty for it).
Overall, I keep changing my perspective on things. I believe you need to in order to stay young. There is always a different point to take. Your job is to find out if it's better.
After a discussion the other day I came up with a new thought:
If you haven't failed at anything in life then you probably haven't tried hard enough to succeed at anything in life. If that's the case, then your greatest fear should be that, on your deathbed, you look back and see that everything was a failure because you played not to lose.
Take it for what it's worth, but I thought about it because of me, not because of someone else that may be reading this right now. However, if it applies, and you think it may be the case, then maybe you need a new perspective too.
I realize that all my life I've played not to lose, and it's really time to start playing to win. The beauty of it all is that I can say, without shame, that I'm not a loser, lol, but I'm not exactly a winner either... yet. Time is on my side, for now. Some day, it won't be, but I hope that I'll look back and note how I played to win.
And, with all the experience I have not losing, I can't see how I could be anything less than what I expect of myself.
You may ask why I'm writing this. Sometimes you have to put it out for others to see before even you can understand. So, with this, I'm putting up a counter. Every time I update you'll see a new number. That number will be the number of times I have played to win cumulatively. As of right this second, I'm starting fresh, the number is:
0
This will serve as a reminder to you, and a way to keep score for me.
Take care of yourselves.
-Mo
P.S.
I'd really Love it if someone would come up with a good costume for me before Oct 29th. Post it here, I'm sure everyone will get a laugh.
Monday, October 04, 2004
Punk'd!
FEMALEATLAS: "So how about this girl you were set up with?"
Mo: "Well, I really wasn't set up."
FEMALEATLAS: "True, from the way it sounds, you were punk'd!"
Mo: "Ha ha, very funny."
Yeah, I was wing man for a night. I took one for the team. Sadly, the rest of the team didn't fare so well either. I mean either one of us could have probably ended up with a long-term relationship by the end of the night with nothing more than a simple request. It just simply was not going to happen.
I told KAYA before we left, "This is how great stories start out." If nothing else, it was a good story, and we ate at a beautiful restaurant. The ESPN Zone is nice in Baltimore, and I was reminded why people who are indoctrinated are annoying. Other than that, I think I'll pass on round two with those two. They were nice girls... that's what I'm sure KAYA's friend also told him about his "date" when it was set up.
After playing wing man for the night, I stopped to see FEMALEATLAS at her other job. I actually stopped to tip her sister, and get a beer, but as I pulled in I remebered... we have a bet to reconcile.
I believe that the Ladder Theory http://www.laddertheory.com is, for the most part, correct. It is the closest thing to reality that I've ever read. So, while talking at work the other day, the theory gets brought up. FEMALEATLAS doesn't buy it. Problem is, two other co-workers, both female, agree with me overall. So, we bet on her friend at the other job. She says he would NEVER want to sleep with her, "He changed my diapers." I say she's crazy. He'd sleep with her if given the opportunity with no repercussions. The only challenge in my mind is getting him to be honest.
I walk in, and, as we're talking, ATLAS brings it up. She pulls her friend in and wants me to basically ask the guy. Well I've never met him. How do you walk up to a married guy and say,"If you weren't married and she wasn't married, would you sleep with her?"
Apparently, just that way. I beat around the bush for a while when he finally asked if I was basically asking just that question from above his answer was quick: "Well yeah! That was simple!"
ATLAS: "But, you changed my diapers!!!!!!!" Incredulous.
Friend: "Yeah, and I'd do it again if given the opportunity."
Life's hilarious like that sometimes. Man, that was a good FREE beer, and the dream she had as a result of all of it was worth more than a keg of beer.
As much fun as all that was, I came home to some very sobering news. I have spoken on this blog of, and sometimes, more specifically, to CALYN. She emailed to say that things are not well in her life, and that to cap off a horrible stretch of time (to put it mildly) she will be leaving to provide relief efforts in Iraq for 3 weeks. I'd normally be fine with that, because that's kind of in her job description, I guess, but this is different. Very different. She's going to Samarra next week. I don't know if you keep up with the news, but Samarra is not a nice place as far as I can tell.
Maybe I'm wrong about the city, and I pray that I am, but what I know I'm not wrong about is the way I feel. I know, I know... it's different when you actually know and care about someone who's there. I need to say nothing about that to CALYN, she knows better than all of us. The difference here is a matter of position.
I'm in a weird one. Maybe I shouldn't care, but I do. I mean, I've never actually met her before, so why should I really be concerned if she's here tomorrow? It doesn't matter - I am. I don't exactly know why I am, but I'm very concerned about her well-being.
I care for CALYN very much. As a matter of fact, feelings, at this point, are something I can't exactly describe. It has a lot more to do with technology than anything else.
We are at an age, now, when we can communicate with people anywhere in the world with the click of a mouse and a couple of keystrokes. This has stripped away all questions of appearance and allowed us all to judge a person by what they have to say... and I like what she has to say - a lot. We may not even agree on everything, and we don't, but we respect what the other has to say regardless. In our conversations, I believe she has made me a better person merely by association, much less by way of advice.
So, this leads me to where I am now: at a place where I'm not close enough to know if she's not ok because I have no way of finding out - yet close enough to be worried to death about her well-being, and I'm very worried. If something should happen I will, honestly, be completely devastated.
There are things that I will ponder indefinitely. Not the least of which, will be what in the world to do with this gift I have for her? lol.
KAYA tells me I think too much, and maybe he's right, but no one ever said that I felt too much and that's more the problem than anything right now.
CALYN, if you read this before you go, please be careful. I know that this has been an extremely difficult time in your life and I know that you hope to find some answers to questions that may never be answered. I also know that if you don't do this you'll always wonder about everything that you could have learned there. So, go, experience and try to enjoy, but don't let this distract you from what you've already accomplished and hope to yet accomplish.
"...our lives are like spider webs, and some of us are like flies stuck in the same spider web over and over again. Not put there by their own notions but trapped with only our own knowledge hearts and minds to allow us to escape." -CALYN
I know you're stuck, but give it time. You'll never feel the same, but you will feel better.
That's the problem... lol, time takes so much.... time.
Hang in there. Report in and make sure I know you're ok, at least physically. lol. I'll talk to you when you get back if not before.
LYTD
Take care,
-Mo
Mo: "Well, I really wasn't set up."
FEMALEATLAS: "True, from the way it sounds, you were punk'd!"
Mo: "Ha ha, very funny."
Yeah, I was wing man for a night. I took one for the team. Sadly, the rest of the team didn't fare so well either. I mean either one of us could have probably ended up with a long-term relationship by the end of the night with nothing more than a simple request. It just simply was not going to happen.
I told KAYA before we left, "This is how great stories start out." If nothing else, it was a good story, and we ate at a beautiful restaurant. The ESPN Zone is nice in Baltimore, and I was reminded why people who are indoctrinated are annoying. Other than that, I think I'll pass on round two with those two. They were nice girls... that's what I'm sure KAYA's friend also told him about his "date" when it was set up.
After playing wing man for the night, I stopped to see FEMALEATLAS at her other job. I actually stopped to tip her sister, and get a beer, but as I pulled in I remebered... we have a bet to reconcile.
I believe that the Ladder Theory http://www.laddertheory.com is, for the most part, correct. It is the closest thing to reality that I've ever read. So, while talking at work the other day, the theory gets brought up. FEMALEATLAS doesn't buy it. Problem is, two other co-workers, both female, agree with me overall. So, we bet on her friend at the other job. She says he would NEVER want to sleep with her, "He changed my diapers." I say she's crazy. He'd sleep with her if given the opportunity with no repercussions. The only challenge in my mind is getting him to be honest.
I walk in, and, as we're talking, ATLAS brings it up. She pulls her friend in and wants me to basically ask the guy. Well I've never met him. How do you walk up to a married guy and say,"If you weren't married and she wasn't married, would you sleep with her?"
Apparently, just that way. I beat around the bush for a while when he finally asked if I was basically asking just that question from above his answer was quick: "Well yeah! That was simple!"
ATLAS: "But, you changed my diapers!!!!!!!" Incredulous.
Friend: "Yeah, and I'd do it again if given the opportunity."
Life's hilarious like that sometimes. Man, that was a good FREE beer, and the dream she had as a result of all of it was worth more than a keg of beer.
As much fun as all that was, I came home to some very sobering news. I have spoken on this blog of, and sometimes, more specifically, to CALYN. She emailed to say that things are not well in her life, and that to cap off a horrible stretch of time (to put it mildly) she will be leaving to provide relief efforts in Iraq for 3 weeks. I'd normally be fine with that, because that's kind of in her job description, I guess, but this is different. Very different. She's going to Samarra next week. I don't know if you keep up with the news, but Samarra is not a nice place as far as I can tell.
Maybe I'm wrong about the city, and I pray that I am, but what I know I'm not wrong about is the way I feel. I know, I know... it's different when you actually know and care about someone who's there. I need to say nothing about that to CALYN, she knows better than all of us. The difference here is a matter of position.
I'm in a weird one. Maybe I shouldn't care, but I do. I mean, I've never actually met her before, so why should I really be concerned if she's here tomorrow? It doesn't matter - I am. I don't exactly know why I am, but I'm very concerned about her well-being.
I care for CALYN very much. As a matter of fact, feelings, at this point, are something I can't exactly describe. It has a lot more to do with technology than anything else.
We are at an age, now, when we can communicate with people anywhere in the world with the click of a mouse and a couple of keystrokes. This has stripped away all questions of appearance and allowed us all to judge a person by what they have to say... and I like what she has to say - a lot. We may not even agree on everything, and we don't, but we respect what the other has to say regardless. In our conversations, I believe she has made me a better person merely by association, much less by way of advice.
So, this leads me to where I am now: at a place where I'm not close enough to know if she's not ok because I have no way of finding out - yet close enough to be worried to death about her well-being, and I'm very worried. If something should happen I will, honestly, be completely devastated.
There are things that I will ponder indefinitely. Not the least of which, will be what in the world to do with this gift I have for her? lol.
KAYA tells me I think too much, and maybe he's right, but no one ever said that I felt too much and that's more the problem than anything right now.
CALYN, if you read this before you go, please be careful. I know that this has been an extremely difficult time in your life and I know that you hope to find some answers to questions that may never be answered. I also know that if you don't do this you'll always wonder about everything that you could have learned there. So, go, experience and try to enjoy, but don't let this distract you from what you've already accomplished and hope to yet accomplish.
"...our lives are like spider webs, and some of us are like flies stuck in the same spider web over and over again. Not put there by their own notions but trapped with only our own knowledge hearts and minds to allow us to escape." -CALYN
I know you're stuck, but give it time. You'll never feel the same, but you will feel better.
That's the problem... lol, time takes so much.... time.
Hang in there. Report in and make sure I know you're ok, at least physically. lol. I'll talk to you when you get back if not before.
LYTD
Take care,
-Mo
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Change...
"If you could go back a year and a half, what would you change? Is there anything that you could have done to make the results different?"
-FEMALEATLAS
The short answer is, nothing and no, but you knew this wasn't going to be short.
Let me explain to you about how I look at destiny, and maybe it'll clear things up. Destiny is not a word I toss around lightly. I believe that it is a very, very powerful word that I've found people to be very protective of. Let's be honest, everyone's hopes, dreams, wishes, prayers and deepest desires are wrapped up in that one word... they have reason to be protective.
I differ with most people on the idea that destiny is not something predetermined. I believe that most people envision their life (past, present and future) in a straight line, just like history. The problem is this... life isn't like that. So, I believe that your destiny is something that you shape every second of the day.
"No, no, no Mo. You are treading on thin ice here. You are telling me that something that I've believed to be true all my life is not, and has not been accurate."
Accurate is a good word because a line is an okay assessment of life, but it doesn't encompass all that happens. If you wanted to diagram your life, most people would draw a straight line... Point A: Birth through Point (whatever): present and they would leave a LONG line after that would end at Point (whatever): predictable death. Everyone wants to live forever.
What I do is similar, but it's not a straight line. I look at life and destiny, goals, accomplishments, and history on a different scale. It allows me to look at the future differently too. I look at life as more like a spider web. Even the spider web isn't a perfect representation, but it's like thousands of spider webs on top of each other, maybe millions. All of those lines represent the decisions you did or did not make in life. They also represent everyone else who made those same types of decisions. Our lives are traced out on that spider web like a drawing of a constellation that never connects back around on itself.
In a spider web the lines of it grow larger as you travel from the center outward representing the amount of time needed to change direction as we age. This also takes care of the issues of us not being able to change what we've done. We, also, always move outward on the spider web, just like the path of a needle on a record player.
The beauty of this is that we can plot goals and accomplishments on that web that we either did, could do, or someone else accomplished. We can then begin to draw our path through that web landing precisely where we wanted to end up if we achieved it. Or, we can draw a near miss if we nearly accomplished it. Here's where it get's interesting: we can also plot the one decision that caused us to miss that goal, and it is then simple to see how we could have made it if only...
Where does all this help?
Well if our life was able to be plotted like that we could quickly see which decisions led us to where we are, and which ones kept us from achieving that goal. I believe that someone, some where is living the exact life that I want to be living right now. The EXACT life I want to be living. They have things set up just the way I would, and they are living it based on the fact that they made particular decisions that got them there. If I plotted their life on the web it would run directly on top of mine until one decision, and that's where it broke off. Then we went in the same general direction with completely different trajectories. We would only be off of each other by a degree or two, working our way outward, but we would continue seperating ourselves until we made a decision that sent us back towards each other.
Here's where the hope comes in. You may, right now, be living life directly parallel to your ideal life. It may only take one decision to have your course in life altered to match that of that other person who's living what you could be right this second. One decision is all it might take. One decision and time. You nedd to take the time to allow nature to take it's course and got you on the path that you want to be on.
With all that, to answer the question at the beginning, (FEMALEATLAS was obviously referring to my divorce it's been a hot topic with the papers filed and her baby on the way), and wanted to know what I thought would have changed it.
I don't believe that there was anything I could have done to change the situation six months before we seperated. I believe there was lots I could have done before then, in some situations, LONG before then that would have helped. But, I also believe I was already too far on the path to make changes to reach that particular goal. Then again, looking back, I don't know if that's a goal I regret not accomplishing. I'd have to ask myself what I was willing to give up to get to where I wanted to be at the time (happily married), and I don't know that I like the answers that I'd have given myself. Therefore the goal passes, and life goes on, and you modify your route. You make that one decision to put your path in the direction you need to go, and you just enjoy the ride.
I'm telling you, the life you want is out there. It applies to me too. You just have to find the long term destination to guide that one decision right now that will get you there. Find it and make it.
There you have it: your destiny. I hope I didn't lose anyone on it. It's a very visual thought process, and it's much more easily explained on the back of a napkin.
Take care,
-Mo
Oh, and there are other rules for the web too, but you'll have to ask me about them. One is that goals tied to age are stationary. You miss them, they're gone. Goals towards lifestyles, though, are fluid. They are constantly moving and you have to track them.
-FEMALEATLAS
The short answer is, nothing and no, but you knew this wasn't going to be short.
Let me explain to you about how I look at destiny, and maybe it'll clear things up. Destiny is not a word I toss around lightly. I believe that it is a very, very powerful word that I've found people to be very protective of. Let's be honest, everyone's hopes, dreams, wishes, prayers and deepest desires are wrapped up in that one word... they have reason to be protective.
I differ with most people on the idea that destiny is not something predetermined. I believe that most people envision their life (past, present and future) in a straight line, just like history. The problem is this... life isn't like that. So, I believe that your destiny is something that you shape every second of the day.
"No, no, no Mo. You are treading on thin ice here. You are telling me that something that I've believed to be true all my life is not, and has not been accurate."
Accurate is a good word because a line is an okay assessment of life, but it doesn't encompass all that happens. If you wanted to diagram your life, most people would draw a straight line... Point A: Birth through Point (whatever): present and they would leave a LONG line after that would end at Point (whatever): predictable death. Everyone wants to live forever.
What I do is similar, but it's not a straight line. I look at life and destiny, goals, accomplishments, and history on a different scale. It allows me to look at the future differently too. I look at life as more like a spider web. Even the spider web isn't a perfect representation, but it's like thousands of spider webs on top of each other, maybe millions. All of those lines represent the decisions you did or did not make in life. They also represent everyone else who made those same types of decisions. Our lives are traced out on that spider web like a drawing of a constellation that never connects back around on itself.
In a spider web the lines of it grow larger as you travel from the center outward representing the amount of time needed to change direction as we age. This also takes care of the issues of us not being able to change what we've done. We, also, always move outward on the spider web, just like the path of a needle on a record player.
The beauty of this is that we can plot goals and accomplishments on that web that we either did, could do, or someone else accomplished. We can then begin to draw our path through that web landing precisely where we wanted to end up if we achieved it. Or, we can draw a near miss if we nearly accomplished it. Here's where it get's interesting: we can also plot the one decision that caused us to miss that goal, and it is then simple to see how we could have made it if only...
Where does all this help?
Well if our life was able to be plotted like that we could quickly see which decisions led us to where we are, and which ones kept us from achieving that goal. I believe that someone, some where is living the exact life that I want to be living right now. The EXACT life I want to be living. They have things set up just the way I would, and they are living it based on the fact that they made particular decisions that got them there. If I plotted their life on the web it would run directly on top of mine until one decision, and that's where it broke off. Then we went in the same general direction with completely different trajectories. We would only be off of each other by a degree or two, working our way outward, but we would continue seperating ourselves until we made a decision that sent us back towards each other.
Here's where the hope comes in. You may, right now, be living life directly parallel to your ideal life. It may only take one decision to have your course in life altered to match that of that other person who's living what you could be right this second. One decision is all it might take. One decision and time. You nedd to take the time to allow nature to take it's course and got you on the path that you want to be on.
With all that, to answer the question at the beginning, (FEMALEATLAS was obviously referring to my divorce it's been a hot topic with the papers filed and her baby on the way), and wanted to know what I thought would have changed it.
I don't believe that there was anything I could have done to change the situation six months before we seperated. I believe there was lots I could have done before then, in some situations, LONG before then that would have helped. But, I also believe I was already too far on the path to make changes to reach that particular goal. Then again, looking back, I don't know if that's a goal I regret not accomplishing. I'd have to ask myself what I was willing to give up to get to where I wanted to be at the time (happily married), and I don't know that I like the answers that I'd have given myself. Therefore the goal passes, and life goes on, and you modify your route. You make that one decision to put your path in the direction you need to go, and you just enjoy the ride.
I'm telling you, the life you want is out there. It applies to me too. You just have to find the long term destination to guide that one decision right now that will get you there. Find it and make it.
There you have it: your destiny. I hope I didn't lose anyone on it. It's a very visual thought process, and it's much more easily explained on the back of a napkin.
Take care,
-Mo
Oh, and there are other rules for the web too, but you'll have to ask me about them. One is that goals tied to age are stationary. You miss them, they're gone. Goals towards lifestyles, though, are fluid. They are constantly moving and you have to track them.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
I'm back...
I'll start with this: my vacation was made by my kids. They were so well-behaved, and really more like traveling partners than anything else. They were a complete joy to be around the entire time. As a reward, I hope to take them on the Disney Cruise next year. They really were fantastic.
It still amazes me to see what they know and what they can learn, especially in a new environment like that. They played in the water, swam in the pool there like they'd known how to swim for years, picked seashells, and just generally made my vacation an adventure (in a good way) more so than a trip.
A couple quick stories to hopefully bring a smile:
When my daughter was told that she was beautiful by my mother she said,"Thank you, Nana."
My mother realized she should make sure that my little girl understands that her brother is "beautiful", but my daughter was quick to respond.
"No, Nana! My brother is not beautiful!
My brother is handsome! And Daddy's handsome, and Pappy's handsome, and Uncle 'MINORS2THEMAJORS' is handsome, and Uncle 'SWEETZX' is handsome, AND MOST OF AAAAAAAAAAALL... UNCLE HTRN is handsome!"
The story loses a bit with the pseudonyms, but you get the point. lol. Daddy wasn't the "most of all". I laughed about it because it was almost like she knew, even thought there's really no way she could... You see "Uncle HTRN" was on vacation with a purpose.
He was there to get his mind off his separation. It was basically official when we left. And, while he rarely showed the misery I know he was in, he needed a lift. Hopefully a little blonde-haired, blue-eyed, not quite four-year-old niece helped.
Life is funny like that sometimes. I've said many times before, that you can find inspiration and a smile in some of the strangest places imaginable. You just have to be looking. You can look for smiles or you can look for misery. It's your choice, you'll find whichever you want.
Life really does run in full circles. I feel like I'm jumping around a bit, but there's lots of stuff going on in my head. The first lull in my blog posts came when I tried to write about my family. I still have the blog entry, but it's never been published. So many things have changed since then. I was wrong on many things that I hoped were good. I had written that my brothers, HTRN and SWEETZX, were both "happy". I believed at the time that they'd made decisions to put themselves with the right companions and that they were well on their way to happy lives. Since that first lull in time SWEETZX has broken off his engagement with his fiance (they appear to be trying to work things out at this point in time, but I'm not optimistic on the subject), and HTRN is now separated.
My divorce was officially filed yesterday and while I was talking to my ex wife about it the subject of HTRN came up and she asked me what was up.
(Days before my ex and I split, she said "...and I thought we had problems!". I was incredulous, "WE'RE GETTING A DIVORCE!" and she was comparing us to my brother and his wife. All the while saying we had a better relationship at that very moment in time. Apparently - write this down, you may not ever see it again about her - she was right. It just took time for things to actually shake out.)
I told my ex that the irony of how things were working out between them was painful to watch. It was almost like reliving it, nearly one year to the day later. I feel so much sympathy for my brother. I actually said to him a few weeks ago that the similarities between what was happening at the end of his marriage and what had happened nearly a year before were not only uncanny, but spooky. I didn't believe that things would work out as his wife had said they would, because history had proven to me to be too strong. She was saying the same things, doing the same things and blaming the same person for their failures as a couple. Ironically, my brother found a Love letter in her console, from someone else, two days before we left for the beach... But he was the one to blame for their marriage falling apart.
Painfully similar.
I did, however, smile when my ex agreed that his wife should call her so that she could tell her what life on the other side is like. Not life without me or my brother, but more of what life is like with the guy who swore he'd give her everything, and that I was bringing her down. She's still with him by the way.
I had said to her, a couple weeks ago when we talked, that her relationship should be in that blissful happy stage right now. Realistically they've only been in an actual relationship for under a year, and nothing should be wrong with it... Yet she was reading a book, "The Care and Feeding of Husbands", and it wasn't supposed to be a case study on what went wrong in our marriage - but that's what it turned into for her. She came to this realization that she had been wrong in blaming me and that she was to blame for our marriage deteriorating - not me. She found answers to the past while searching for answers to the present (disclaimer: I still maintain that I was not, by any stretch of the imagination, a perfect husband. If anyone knows someone who is, I'd like to meet him so I can take pointers. I just said that I was no where near that horrible husband and person that she made me out to be.)
Here's where people get into trouble reading books instead of seeing a professional.
She then believed because she had been such a "terrible person" in our marriage that she was still being a terrible person in their relationship too, and maybe she is... I don't know. I believe it's probably closer to this reality though. He's pretty much worthless. Don't take my word for it... ask his own mother. If your own mother has a problem with you... well you must have worked real hard to tick someone off.
He told my ex all these wonderful things, and she believed him. Now he's not coming through on his part. They got themselves pregnant and now she thinks that she's being the same person that she was when she was with me - and she very well may be.
The big difference is; before the problems were realistically out of our house. They came from the fact that my wife was not a strong willed person. She lacked self-esteem and with that came a certain sense of needing to feel accepted. So, she was a different person when she was away from the house. She smoked, and talked about problems that, realistically, were not problems at home. However, she complained about them incessantly to anyone who'd listen if I wasn't around. They were things blown completely out of proportion so she could fit in with the crowd around her; people who were miserable. It's actually scary to think, but she actually wanted to fit in with these people.
Now, the problems are in her face. They are there, on the couch, coming for their custodial visit, or living in the back yard. They are "No regrets" coming back to turn every day into misery, and they'll continue until they overwhelm her or turn her into the superwoman she needs to be to deal with them. In a situation like that there really are only those two options. The problems that she's created are not problems that will go away, they will only be dealt with in the best way possible or they'll get worse.
Had dinner Friday night with a beautiful girl at a great restaurant. It lasted three hours. The food was fantastic as was the conversation. I'm very fortunate to know the chef there. He is top notch. Don't know if you'll hear a whole lot more about her, but if there's anything else to say, I'll keep you posted.
Got a new phone. No more basic text messaging. I've got pictures, web access, and a cool carrying case. It's the Motorola V400. I like it so far, but I'm not thrilled how it organizes my contacts. I'm sure that's user error and something I need to fix myself.
The person I referred to last time apparently did have the worst week ever. I'm sorry. I hope that this week has gotten better. I'll be in touch. The game is les than a month away. It'll be a blast.
Everyone else... take care.
-Mo
It still amazes me to see what they know and what they can learn, especially in a new environment like that. They played in the water, swam in the pool there like they'd known how to swim for years, picked seashells, and just generally made my vacation an adventure (in a good way) more so than a trip.
A couple quick stories to hopefully bring a smile:
When my daughter was told that she was beautiful by my mother she said,"Thank you, Nana."
My mother realized she should make sure that my little girl understands that her brother is "beautiful", but my daughter was quick to respond.
"No, Nana! My brother is not beautiful!
My brother is handsome! And Daddy's handsome, and Pappy's handsome, and Uncle 'MINORS2THEMAJORS' is handsome, and Uncle 'SWEETZX' is handsome, AND MOST OF AAAAAAAAAAALL... UNCLE HTRN is handsome!"
The story loses a bit with the pseudonyms, but you get the point. lol. Daddy wasn't the "most of all". I laughed about it because it was almost like she knew, even thought there's really no way she could... You see "Uncle HTRN" was on vacation with a purpose.
He was there to get his mind off his separation. It was basically official when we left. And, while he rarely showed the misery I know he was in, he needed a lift. Hopefully a little blonde-haired, blue-eyed, not quite four-year-old niece helped.
Life is funny like that sometimes. I've said many times before, that you can find inspiration and a smile in some of the strangest places imaginable. You just have to be looking. You can look for smiles or you can look for misery. It's your choice, you'll find whichever you want.
Life really does run in full circles. I feel like I'm jumping around a bit, but there's lots of stuff going on in my head. The first lull in my blog posts came when I tried to write about my family. I still have the blog entry, but it's never been published. So many things have changed since then. I was wrong on many things that I hoped were good. I had written that my brothers, HTRN and SWEETZX, were both "happy". I believed at the time that they'd made decisions to put themselves with the right companions and that they were well on their way to happy lives. Since that first lull in time SWEETZX has broken off his engagement with his fiance (they appear to be trying to work things out at this point in time, but I'm not optimistic on the subject), and HTRN is now separated.
My divorce was officially filed yesterday and while I was talking to my ex wife about it the subject of HTRN came up and she asked me what was up.
(Days before my ex and I split, she said "...and I thought we had problems!". I was incredulous, "WE'RE GETTING A DIVORCE!" and she was comparing us to my brother and his wife. All the while saying we had a better relationship at that very moment in time. Apparently - write this down, you may not ever see it again about her - she was right. It just took time for things to actually shake out.)
I told my ex that the irony of how things were working out between them was painful to watch. It was almost like reliving it, nearly one year to the day later. I feel so much sympathy for my brother. I actually said to him a few weeks ago that the similarities between what was happening at the end of his marriage and what had happened nearly a year before were not only uncanny, but spooky. I didn't believe that things would work out as his wife had said they would, because history had proven to me to be too strong. She was saying the same things, doing the same things and blaming the same person for their failures as a couple. Ironically, my brother found a Love letter in her console, from someone else, two days before we left for the beach... But he was the one to blame for their marriage falling apart.
Painfully similar.
I did, however, smile when my ex agreed that his wife should call her so that she could tell her what life on the other side is like. Not life without me or my brother, but more of what life is like with the guy who swore he'd give her everything, and that I was bringing her down. She's still with him by the way.
I had said to her, a couple weeks ago when we talked, that her relationship should be in that blissful happy stage right now. Realistically they've only been in an actual relationship for under a year, and nothing should be wrong with it... Yet she was reading a book, "The Care and Feeding of Husbands", and it wasn't supposed to be a case study on what went wrong in our marriage - but that's what it turned into for her. She came to this realization that she had been wrong in blaming me and that she was to blame for our marriage deteriorating - not me. She found answers to the past while searching for answers to the present (disclaimer: I still maintain that I was not, by any stretch of the imagination, a perfect husband. If anyone knows someone who is, I'd like to meet him so I can take pointers. I just said that I was no where near that horrible husband and person that she made me out to be.)
Here's where people get into trouble reading books instead of seeing a professional.
She then believed because she had been such a "terrible person" in our marriage that she was still being a terrible person in their relationship too, and maybe she is... I don't know. I believe it's probably closer to this reality though. He's pretty much worthless. Don't take my word for it... ask his own mother. If your own mother has a problem with you... well you must have worked real hard to tick someone off.
He told my ex all these wonderful things, and she believed him. Now he's not coming through on his part. They got themselves pregnant and now she thinks that she's being the same person that she was when she was with me - and she very well may be.
The big difference is; before the problems were realistically out of our house. They came from the fact that my wife was not a strong willed person. She lacked self-esteem and with that came a certain sense of needing to feel accepted. So, she was a different person when she was away from the house. She smoked, and talked about problems that, realistically, were not problems at home. However, she complained about them incessantly to anyone who'd listen if I wasn't around. They were things blown completely out of proportion so she could fit in with the crowd around her; people who were miserable. It's actually scary to think, but she actually wanted to fit in with these people.
Now, the problems are in her face. They are there, on the couch, coming for their custodial visit, or living in the back yard. They are "No regrets" coming back to turn every day into misery, and they'll continue until they overwhelm her or turn her into the superwoman she needs to be to deal with them. In a situation like that there really are only those two options. The problems that she's created are not problems that will go away, they will only be dealt with in the best way possible or they'll get worse.
Had dinner Friday night with a beautiful girl at a great restaurant. It lasted three hours. The food was fantastic as was the conversation. I'm very fortunate to know the chef there. He is top notch. Don't know if you'll hear a whole lot more about her, but if there's anything else to say, I'll keep you posted.
Got a new phone. No more basic text messaging. I've got pictures, web access, and a cool carrying case. It's the Motorola V400. I like it so far, but I'm not thrilled how it organizes my contacts. I'm sure that's user error and something I need to fix myself.
The person I referred to last time apparently did have the worst week ever. I'm sorry. I hope that this week has gotten better. I'll be in touch. The game is les than a month away. It'll be a blast.
Everyone else... take care.
-Mo
Sunday, September 12, 2004
This one's a quickie...
I'm going to the beach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm excited to be going with my family and my kids. They are so excited they don't know what to do with themselves.
So, I'll report in next week with impressions from there.
Take care.
Oh, one more thing. I know that there is one of you out there, who reads regularly, who hasn't been having a good week. For all I know it could be the worst week ever - I don't know. Either way, you've been on my mind since the last time we spoke, and I hope that you're ok. Yes, yes you will "survive" and you'll come out of it scarred... and stronger than ever.
I don't know what else to tell you.
Maybe I'll try something that worked for me... "I've got your back."
I do, and I will go to battle with you. Whether the battle is external or internal, I'm available. All you have to do is ask. Take care of yourself... all of you.
Hug the ones you Love.
With extra Love this week - and a hug,
Bill
I'm excited to be going with my family and my kids. They are so excited they don't know what to do with themselves.
So, I'll report in next week with impressions from there.
Take care.
Oh, one more thing. I know that there is one of you out there, who reads regularly, who hasn't been having a good week. For all I know it could be the worst week ever - I don't know. Either way, you've been on my mind since the last time we spoke, and I hope that you're ok. Yes, yes you will "survive" and you'll come out of it scarred... and stronger than ever.
I don't know what else to tell you.
Maybe I'll try something that worked for me... "I've got your back."
I do, and I will go to battle with you. Whether the battle is external or internal, I'm available. All you have to do is ask. Take care of yourself... all of you.
Hug the ones you Love.
With extra Love this week - and a hug,
Bill
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
It was a once in a lifetime thing...
that I hope to do many, many more times.
"... I don't want to disillusion you, but you probably won't get wet... unless you want to."
-KAYA KING
Not only was he A guide yesterday, but he was THE guide. As we were riding in a van back to where we started, we passed this car stopped at a stop sign and waving us around them. I heard the girl in the driver's seat exclaim as we drove by... "That's our guide!" like she was the first person in the U.S. to ever see the Beatles in person.
The day was over.
He'd reached celebrity status.
That's something I'm sure KAYA ends up doing on many, if not all of these trips. You see, he is a guide with Whitewater Adventures, Ohiopyle, PA. After 9 years of knowing KAYA, the stars finally aligned, and our schedules both lined up to allow me to go rafting with him while he would be giving a guided tour. In other words, he was paid to take me along with 87 other people who probably had no business near the water out for a day of pure adrenaline.
The morning started with us arriving at about 9 am. It was a bit cool so I had worn a long sleeved t-shirt (emblazoned with the WVU logo - what a way to start a season!). I'd soon exchange it for something lighter. I met a few of KAYA's co-workers and we helped inflate rafts. There were probably 15-20 rafts total. They have this great pump that's basically a vacuum cleaner without any ability to clean, and they could inflate an 8 man raft in a matter of a minute or two. I watched, helped where I could, and took a good look at the waterfall right beside our launch point.
It was a pretty site and KAYA told me that people kayaked over it regularly; he had pictures of him doing it himself. I can only imagine. It didn't seem to me anyone in their right mind would want to go over that thing on purpose - at least that's what I thought at the beginning of the day.
KAYA asked me if I might like to take the "Thrill Seeker". Several of his co-workers had suggested that he let me take it. I get the impression they wanted some entertainment watching me drag myself out of the rapids, and KAYA had steered me away from it before he realized he was running the show for the day.
I also think that asking him about leaving my glasses in his SUV weighed on his head too. I feel that he thought it would be a let down if I didn't have any chance of hitting the water. He informed me that the girl that I'd be rafting with would owe the staff beer if I fell in so I was also a bit concerned that I'd be somewhat disappointed in the adventure of it all.
"Well, what's a 'Thrill Seeker?'"
It's an inflatable kayak - single-occupancy.
That seemed to be more my speed. There was a certain amount of risk that I'd end up in the water, but it didn't seem I'd need a lot of training to operate it. The paddle, on the other hand, was a different story.
The blades on the ends weren't aligned. They were diagonal with each other. This forced you to rotate your right hand as you paddled on your left side. This actually seemed to put your upper hand in a better position all the time as you were paddling. It wasn't a big deal after I got used to it, but it was something that was very difficult to get used to at first.
"Well, was it cold?"
I worried about that too... for all of about .5 seconds before I hit the first set of rapids. As you start into the rapids you don't know what to look at or where to go. I didn't even know how to paddle at the time! So, the water temperature was the last thing on my mind. Staying upright was much more at the time.
The first set of rapids turned out to be small as compared to the rest of them throughout the day. They were a little bit more difficult because I didn't know what I was doing at all. The next time I go I should zip right through them, not because I am a wise, veteran paddler, but next time I'll know what to expect.
I believe the second set was the group where my picture was taken. It was a pretty good picture, and I'll post it as soon as I get it scanned. It was a bit more exciting, and as you pass one of the guides (SEPTEMBER) was yelling "Smile!".
"Did you end up in the water?"
Yes, twice.
The first time I was sideways going into the rapids and it was described to me that it all happened in slow motion to observers. I rolled over the side after fighting to stay vertical. It wasn't a big deal. I just kept ahold of the paddle and swam to the boat. One of the guides was already there. I threw my paddle back in the kayak and hauled myself in. The guide told me he liked the ones who rescued themselves. No big deal, I've been water skiing, tubing, canoeing, swimming in rushing rivers under waterfalls, and jet skiing, this was an extension of all those.
The second time was a bit on the unnerving side.
KAYA asked me to follow him. I did, but he stays in one place much better than I. (The river IS moving you know.) So while he was holding to get a good path I slipped down a rapid in a much different route than I had expected to go. I don't really think that was where he intended me to go either. As my boat caught on the rock at the top, I looked at him and said something to the effect of "This isn't going to be pretty."
Next thing I knew I was under water with the boat pressing down on me. It couldn't have been but a few seconds, but those things always seem like an eternity. My first thought was that the bottom of the boat was on my head and not moving. That wasn't going to be good at all if that was the case.
After some probing I found that the boat was upside down and that I could get my head into the inside - where there would be lots of air. Soon after I got my head out of the water KAYA was there flipping the boat over like we were playing hide and seek or something. "There you are! You ok?" he said laughingly.
"I'm fine but I dropped my paddle."
I tried catching up to the boat but it was a spot where the rocks weren't very deep in the water. So, I had to ride them down til the water deepened. Turns out the bottom of the river isn't "made by Disney" as KAYA said in the speech to the other boaters.
Another fact - rocks are hard.
Can't get anything past me.
I did get to my boat and someone brought me my paddle. I had to get myself to stop burping up river water while continuing. lol. That was probably the most intense part of the action.
The abandoning of the ship... not the burping.
Lunch was much better than I had expected. We stopped, they set up lunch meat, bread, cheese, condiments, apples, cookies, and a few other things - including wraps (for the low carb contingent?) on a big, flat, table sized rock. They brought water and tea. Everyone fended for themselves and seemed full when they left. I was impressed.
Lessons learned:
One guy said to me directly after my more intense confrontation with the water. (He was in a boat with a guide, and they were really worried when they didn't immediately see me come back up for air). "Before, when you were paddling down you seemed so laid back, and relaxed, and dry. Now, after all that, you still look laid back and completely relaxed... just wet now. What gives? What rattles you? You're completely calm and people in rafts out here are freaking out."
This reinforced what I have believed for a long time. You can do anything you want. You may even be able to do it well if you'll just do a couple of things. 1. Follow someone who is an expert at what you want to do. 2. Trust them implicitly. 3. Do whatever they say without question. 4. Keep your expectations low and focus on what they've told you to do, not what you think you can do. They'll take you further if you're ready. 5. Don't let anything rattle you. Early success can be that simple.
Was my trip something I'd consider successful? Absolutely! Was it successful to someone like KAYA's standards? Probably not at this point in their careers or hobbies, but I thought it was extremely successful for my first time. I did every single thing I wanted to yesterday - and smiled the entire time. I cherished every second I was on the water.
Lesson 2? This is one that I need to learn a lot more about.
You can't control everything.
I once said... "There's a difference - he wants power, he can have it. I want control."
If there's one thing you will quickly learn on the water it's that the river is in control. It is going to take you where it wants to go. Your only option is to make minor adjustments to the overall path that you'll take.
I kept finding myself, in the beginning, trying to put myself in exactly the right spot to go through the rapids. I found out quickly that the river doesn't always agree with that, and it responds by placing you where it wants you to be - or dumping you outright. By the end of the day, I understood that I was going to end up at point B from where I was. I would just have to pick my way through most of the time and take shots at getting a more exciting ride when I could take them.
It was kind of nice to relinquish control of my life for about 5 hours.
Lesson 3, big rapids mean big fun. Aka big risks equal a big reward. They also meant big consequences if you didn't make it through, but when you're enjoying the rewards you quickly forget about the risks involved.
I know that KAYA reads this all the time, and I can honestly say that I had one of the most exhilarating experiences in my entire life. I can't tell him how much I appreciated the trip.
Please tell me... how do you thank someone for that? When you receive gifts it's easy to reciprocate. When you receive a once in a lifetime adrenaline rush, do you send a card? All I can say is this:
KAYA KING absolutely lives up to his name.
Take care all. I hope you too will get to enjoy the Youghiogheny River from the same perspective I did, as a matter of fact I'm hearing rumblings of another "sponsored" trip for next year.
-Mo
CALYN, I hope things are well.
"... I don't want to disillusion you, but you probably won't get wet... unless you want to."
-KAYA KING
Not only was he A guide yesterday, but he was THE guide. As we were riding in a van back to where we started, we passed this car stopped at a stop sign and waving us around them. I heard the girl in the driver's seat exclaim as we drove by... "That's our guide!" like she was the first person in the U.S. to ever see the Beatles in person.
The day was over.
He'd reached celebrity status.
That's something I'm sure KAYA ends up doing on many, if not all of these trips. You see, he is a guide with Whitewater Adventures, Ohiopyle, PA. After 9 years of knowing KAYA, the stars finally aligned, and our schedules both lined up to allow me to go rafting with him while he would be giving a guided tour. In other words, he was paid to take me along with 87 other people who probably had no business near the water out for a day of pure adrenaline.
The morning started with us arriving at about 9 am. It was a bit cool so I had worn a long sleeved t-shirt (emblazoned with the WVU logo - what a way to start a season!). I'd soon exchange it for something lighter. I met a few of KAYA's co-workers and we helped inflate rafts. There were probably 15-20 rafts total. They have this great pump that's basically a vacuum cleaner without any ability to clean, and they could inflate an 8 man raft in a matter of a minute or two. I watched, helped where I could, and took a good look at the waterfall right beside our launch point.
It was a pretty site and KAYA told me that people kayaked over it regularly; he had pictures of him doing it himself. I can only imagine. It didn't seem to me anyone in their right mind would want to go over that thing on purpose - at least that's what I thought at the beginning of the day.
KAYA asked me if I might like to take the "Thrill Seeker". Several of his co-workers had suggested that he let me take it. I get the impression they wanted some entertainment watching me drag myself out of the rapids, and KAYA had steered me away from it before he realized he was running the show for the day.
I also think that asking him about leaving my glasses in his SUV weighed on his head too. I feel that he thought it would be a let down if I didn't have any chance of hitting the water. He informed me that the girl that I'd be rafting with would owe the staff beer if I fell in so I was also a bit concerned that I'd be somewhat disappointed in the adventure of it all.
"Well, what's a 'Thrill Seeker?'"
It's an inflatable kayak - single-occupancy.
That seemed to be more my speed. There was a certain amount of risk that I'd end up in the water, but it didn't seem I'd need a lot of training to operate it. The paddle, on the other hand, was a different story.
The blades on the ends weren't aligned. They were diagonal with each other. This forced you to rotate your right hand as you paddled on your left side. This actually seemed to put your upper hand in a better position all the time as you were paddling. It wasn't a big deal after I got used to it, but it was something that was very difficult to get used to at first.
"Well, was it cold?"
I worried about that too... for all of about .5 seconds before I hit the first set of rapids. As you start into the rapids you don't know what to look at or where to go. I didn't even know how to paddle at the time! So, the water temperature was the last thing on my mind. Staying upright was much more at the time.
The first set of rapids turned out to be small as compared to the rest of them throughout the day. They were a little bit more difficult because I didn't know what I was doing at all. The next time I go I should zip right through them, not because I am a wise, veteran paddler, but next time I'll know what to expect.
I believe the second set was the group where my picture was taken. It was a pretty good picture, and I'll post it as soon as I get it scanned. It was a bit more exciting, and as you pass one of the guides (SEPTEMBER) was yelling "Smile!".
"Did you end up in the water?"
Yes, twice.
The first time I was sideways going into the rapids and it was described to me that it all happened in slow motion to observers. I rolled over the side after fighting to stay vertical. It wasn't a big deal. I just kept ahold of the paddle and swam to the boat. One of the guides was already there. I threw my paddle back in the kayak and hauled myself in. The guide told me he liked the ones who rescued themselves. No big deal, I've been water skiing, tubing, canoeing, swimming in rushing rivers under waterfalls, and jet skiing, this was an extension of all those.
The second time was a bit on the unnerving side.
KAYA asked me to follow him. I did, but he stays in one place much better than I. (The river IS moving you know.) So while he was holding to get a good path I slipped down a rapid in a much different route than I had expected to go. I don't really think that was where he intended me to go either. As my boat caught on the rock at the top, I looked at him and said something to the effect of "This isn't going to be pretty."
Next thing I knew I was under water with the boat pressing down on me. It couldn't have been but a few seconds, but those things always seem like an eternity. My first thought was that the bottom of the boat was on my head and not moving. That wasn't going to be good at all if that was the case.
After some probing I found that the boat was upside down and that I could get my head into the inside - where there would be lots of air. Soon after I got my head out of the water KAYA was there flipping the boat over like we were playing hide and seek or something. "There you are! You ok?" he said laughingly.
"I'm fine but I dropped my paddle."
I tried catching up to the boat but it was a spot where the rocks weren't very deep in the water. So, I had to ride them down til the water deepened. Turns out the bottom of the river isn't "made by Disney" as KAYA said in the speech to the other boaters.
Another fact - rocks are hard.
Can't get anything past me.
I did get to my boat and someone brought me my paddle. I had to get myself to stop burping up river water while continuing. lol. That was probably the most intense part of the action.
The abandoning of the ship... not the burping.
Lunch was much better than I had expected. We stopped, they set up lunch meat, bread, cheese, condiments, apples, cookies, and a few other things - including wraps (for the low carb contingent?) on a big, flat, table sized rock. They brought water and tea. Everyone fended for themselves and seemed full when they left. I was impressed.
Lessons learned:
One guy said to me directly after my more intense confrontation with the water. (He was in a boat with a guide, and they were really worried when they didn't immediately see me come back up for air). "Before, when you were paddling down you seemed so laid back, and relaxed, and dry. Now, after all that, you still look laid back and completely relaxed... just wet now. What gives? What rattles you? You're completely calm and people in rafts out here are freaking out."
This reinforced what I have believed for a long time. You can do anything you want. You may even be able to do it well if you'll just do a couple of things. 1. Follow someone who is an expert at what you want to do. 2. Trust them implicitly. 3. Do whatever they say without question. 4. Keep your expectations low and focus on what they've told you to do, not what you think you can do. They'll take you further if you're ready. 5. Don't let anything rattle you. Early success can be that simple.
Was my trip something I'd consider successful? Absolutely! Was it successful to someone like KAYA's standards? Probably not at this point in their careers or hobbies, but I thought it was extremely successful for my first time. I did every single thing I wanted to yesterday - and smiled the entire time. I cherished every second I was on the water.
Lesson 2? This is one that I need to learn a lot more about.
You can't control everything.
I once said... "There's a difference - he wants power, he can have it. I want control."
If there's one thing you will quickly learn on the water it's that the river is in control. It is going to take you where it wants to go. Your only option is to make minor adjustments to the overall path that you'll take.
I kept finding myself, in the beginning, trying to put myself in exactly the right spot to go through the rapids. I found out quickly that the river doesn't always agree with that, and it responds by placing you where it wants you to be - or dumping you outright. By the end of the day, I understood that I was going to end up at point B from where I was. I would just have to pick my way through most of the time and take shots at getting a more exciting ride when I could take them.
It was kind of nice to relinquish control of my life for about 5 hours.
Lesson 3, big rapids mean big fun. Aka big risks equal a big reward. They also meant big consequences if you didn't make it through, but when you're enjoying the rewards you quickly forget about the risks involved.
I know that KAYA reads this all the time, and I can honestly say that I had one of the most exhilarating experiences in my entire life. I can't tell him how much I appreciated the trip.
Please tell me... how do you thank someone for that? When you receive gifts it's easy to reciprocate. When you receive a once in a lifetime adrenaline rush, do you send a card? All I can say is this:
KAYA KING absolutely lives up to his name.
Take care all. I hope you too will get to enjoy the Youghiogheny River from the same perspective I did, as a matter of fact I'm hearing rumblings of another "sponsored" trip for next year.
-Mo
CALYN, I hope things are well.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
All it took...
was one person, who dealt with things the way no one else had. Don't get me wrong. Lots of people have given me great advice, some are reading right now, but this was different. She said that "if anyone questions the way you do things tell them I told you to do it that way." She effectively took all the responsibility of failure from me. The difference is that she knows I won't fail, so she'll never have to defend me or herself. And, she said to do that even though she DIDN'T actually tell me how to do anything. It was more permission than command.
When everyone else gave support, she had my back. In my mind there's a huge difference. Supporters sit back and watch. They may lick your wounds when you come back battle scarred. She was going to battle with me.
It's the first time in a long time that I've felt that way. I always told people I had their back, and I meant it. Talk is cheap, results are required and excuses abound. She has my back, and it changed me into the person I wanted to be. I'm fearless.
Let me explain. She said to be "more agressive, step on toes to get where you want." Well, if there's one thing I'm not good at, it's stepping on toes. I tread lightly, it normally gets me to where I want to go because I paid attention the whole time, and found out what I needed to do to get there. I'm finding that stepping on a few toes is much more efficient. Any other time I tried to create a huge case against the problem, then proceed. Now I just tick the problem off til it leaves.
I went ahead and did what she said. I knew how all along, I just refused before. I think I raised a lot of eyebrows when I did. There was also a noticeable difference all the way around - mentally, emotionally, and physically. Now don't get too excited, I'm not. It was the first day, but tomorrow seems as if it's going to be that way too. I can feel it now.
One other thing happened. This is a study of the human mind... enjoy. With the new found freedom without fear, I was at a class reunion... not technically mine (long story). But I was there visiting old friends. I was pleasantly surprised to see a girl I'd known since she was little. She's a couple years younger than me (my brother's age, 25), but she's always been a gorgeous girl. We chatted for a bit and she seemed to want to make sure that I realized that the guy she was with was not her boyfriend. I don't know if that was a hint, but at the end of the evening just before I was about to leave, I figured I should tell her good night. I decided then and there, well someone's got my back. (I know it sounds stupid, but it was what I thought about.) I ran over before I left gave her a hug and asked her to dinner. WAY outta my league under the old rules of thought, but she said to call her. I don't know if I will. It doesn't really matter. What matters is results.
She said I could call.
That was the goal.
Mission accomplished.
I know this all sounds more complex than it is. I know I make it that way too... don't care.
Results. That's it.
When all is said and done. Everyone can say what they want, but doing something is completely diferent. I try to be a great ally, and sometimes I need one too. Many unnecessary failures have brought me to this point. People around me not letting me fail will get me out. They don't have to do anything, they just needed to give me a way to fail safely - that way I couldn't.
It's funny, that's always been my philosophy on the kids. Push them hard to get them where they want to go, but always be there as a safety net when they fall. They will fall and you want them to, because you want them to learn... from their mistakes; not to be terrified and hamstrung by them. That is where I'm trying to get to and from. Seems like I'm finding the right people to get me there.
I will not use her name or even a pseudonym here, but if she ever decides to read this... she needs to know that my gratitude is boundless for this one.
Take care.
-Mo
P.S.
I wrote this starting at nearly 3am... you have to forgive the ramblings... I just needed to get this one on paper, er screen.
When everyone else gave support, she had my back. In my mind there's a huge difference. Supporters sit back and watch. They may lick your wounds when you come back battle scarred. She was going to battle with me.
It's the first time in a long time that I've felt that way. I always told people I had their back, and I meant it. Talk is cheap, results are required and excuses abound. She has my back, and it changed me into the person I wanted to be. I'm fearless.
Let me explain. She said to be "more agressive, step on toes to get where you want." Well, if there's one thing I'm not good at, it's stepping on toes. I tread lightly, it normally gets me to where I want to go because I paid attention the whole time, and found out what I needed to do to get there. I'm finding that stepping on a few toes is much more efficient. Any other time I tried to create a huge case against the problem, then proceed. Now I just tick the problem off til it leaves.
I went ahead and did what she said. I knew how all along, I just refused before. I think I raised a lot of eyebrows when I did. There was also a noticeable difference all the way around - mentally, emotionally, and physically. Now don't get too excited, I'm not. It was the first day, but tomorrow seems as if it's going to be that way too. I can feel it now.
One other thing happened. This is a study of the human mind... enjoy. With the new found freedom without fear, I was at a class reunion... not technically mine (long story). But I was there visiting old friends. I was pleasantly surprised to see a girl I'd known since she was little. She's a couple years younger than me (my brother's age, 25), but she's always been a gorgeous girl. We chatted for a bit and she seemed to want to make sure that I realized that the guy she was with was not her boyfriend. I don't know if that was a hint, but at the end of the evening just before I was about to leave, I figured I should tell her good night. I decided then and there, well someone's got my back. (I know it sounds stupid, but it was what I thought about.) I ran over before I left gave her a hug and asked her to dinner. WAY outta my league under the old rules of thought, but she said to call her. I don't know if I will. It doesn't really matter. What matters is results.
She said I could call.
That was the goal.
Mission accomplished.
I know this all sounds more complex than it is. I know I make it that way too... don't care.
Results. That's it.
When all is said and done. Everyone can say what they want, but doing something is completely diferent. I try to be a great ally, and sometimes I need one too. Many unnecessary failures have brought me to this point. People around me not letting me fail will get me out. They don't have to do anything, they just needed to give me a way to fail safely - that way I couldn't.
It's funny, that's always been my philosophy on the kids. Push them hard to get them where they want to go, but always be there as a safety net when they fall. They will fall and you want them to, because you want them to learn... from their mistakes; not to be terrified and hamstrung by them. That is where I'm trying to get to and from. Seems like I'm finding the right people to get me there.
I will not use her name or even a pseudonym here, but if she ever decides to read this... she needs to know that my gratitude is boundless for this one.
Take care.
-Mo
P.S.
I wrote this starting at nearly 3am... you have to forgive the ramblings... I just needed to get this one on paper, er screen.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
I'm here. No, really, I am.
Numb
That’s the best way to describe it. Not only had I driven for an hour and a half, but I had been sitting for 45 minutes on top of it. I had started getting this sick feeling in my gut on the way (again, but different this time). I realized that I may be about 10 minutes late to our first date. The reasons aren’t pretty (I’ll say this, nerves plus a Chinese buffet plus a complete lack of sleep equal a situation that’ll leave you worse than just a little sick to the stomach.). I figured I’d call, to tell her I’d be a couple minutes late, and she didn't answer.
It wasn’t a blind date per se; I don’t really know what it was supposed to be. An audition maybe? Dunno, but my last “date” had ended this way…
Me. Sitting in a car… waiting for someone who would never show. I had never been stood up before then.
Little did I know that it wouldn’t be long before it happened again. I would have expected it from the same person, but this was someone completely different. I never figured that things had to be that way. I don’t think I’m that hard to approach, or say “No.” too.
In all fairness I found, after lots of drinking and pondering, there was an email when I got home that said she wouldn’t be able to make it. It was sent just before I would have left. The problem with that is I didn’t go home. It still didn't temper the myriad of thoughts and feelings leading up to that moment. Lesson learned.
Numb
That’s the best way to describe it. It’s 100 degrees out and I’ve worked hard all day; so has everyone else. I’m burned, I can see it, but I don’t feel it. I’ll find a bruise on my shin the next day. Seems I may have taken a worse shot than I realized. The bases are loaded, and there’s a batter that’s taken me far into the outfield every time he’s been at bat.
It’s slow pitch. I don’t have control over how hard he hits it, just where… if I’m lucky. So, I make the best decision possible…
Walk him.
That’ll score one run, but I like my odds with the batter that follows. She isn’t swinging, I have bases loaded so we’ll have lots of opportunities to get her out. I’ll take one run over a possible 3 or 4 if history is any indicator.
So, I walk the one run. HEHATEME looks on knowing that I’ll stay out there til the end if need be. He also knows that I’ll pull myself if I don’t think I can do it. I’m left completely alone about the whole thing. Thankfully, I got no groans from the outfield, they trust me… I think.
I back her into a full count.
The final pitch… strike… dead on the mat.
Numb… that’s the best way to describe it. To hear me tell it, you’d swear it was the world series, and you know what? It is. We should all look at events in our life as having those types of impacts.
HEHATEME told me I had “intestinal fortitude” when I came off the field.
Actually, it prolly took a lot more for them to watch, than for me to pitch.
The ex…
Called yesterday to apologize for everything she ever did to me, including blaming me for everything that was wrong in our former marriage, when she had been the one creating the problems all along. She said that she was reading a book and it really “opened her eyes” to just how horrible she had been to me. She said that she knows she could never make it up to me, but that she wanted me to know that she felt absolutely terrible that she had done all those things to tear apart our family’s lives…
…Well, how do you think I responded?
Sometimes I say too much. ;)
Take care,
Mo
That’s the best way to describe it. Not only had I driven for an hour and a half, but I had been sitting for 45 minutes on top of it. I had started getting this sick feeling in my gut on the way (again, but different this time). I realized that I may be about 10 minutes late to our first date. The reasons aren’t pretty (I’ll say this, nerves plus a Chinese buffet plus a complete lack of sleep equal a situation that’ll leave you worse than just a little sick to the stomach.). I figured I’d call, to tell her I’d be a couple minutes late, and she didn't answer.
It wasn’t a blind date per se; I don’t really know what it was supposed to be. An audition maybe? Dunno, but my last “date” had ended this way…
Me. Sitting in a car… waiting for someone who would never show. I had never been stood up before then.
Little did I know that it wouldn’t be long before it happened again. I would have expected it from the same person, but this was someone completely different. I never figured that things had to be that way. I don’t think I’m that hard to approach, or say “No.” too.
In all fairness I found, after lots of drinking and pondering, there was an email when I got home that said she wouldn’t be able to make it. It was sent just before I would have left. The problem with that is I didn’t go home. It still didn't temper the myriad of thoughts and feelings leading up to that moment. Lesson learned.
Numb
That’s the best way to describe it. It’s 100 degrees out and I’ve worked hard all day; so has everyone else. I’m burned, I can see it, but I don’t feel it. I’ll find a bruise on my shin the next day. Seems I may have taken a worse shot than I realized. The bases are loaded, and there’s a batter that’s taken me far into the outfield every time he’s been at bat.
It’s slow pitch. I don’t have control over how hard he hits it, just where… if I’m lucky. So, I make the best decision possible…
Walk him.
That’ll score one run, but I like my odds with the batter that follows. She isn’t swinging, I have bases loaded so we’ll have lots of opportunities to get her out. I’ll take one run over a possible 3 or 4 if history is any indicator.
So, I walk the one run. HEHATEME looks on knowing that I’ll stay out there til the end if need be. He also knows that I’ll pull myself if I don’t think I can do it. I’m left completely alone about the whole thing. Thankfully, I got no groans from the outfield, they trust me… I think.
I back her into a full count.
The final pitch… strike… dead on the mat.
Numb… that’s the best way to describe it. To hear me tell it, you’d swear it was the world series, and you know what? It is. We should all look at events in our life as having those types of impacts.
HEHATEME told me I had “intestinal fortitude” when I came off the field.
Actually, it prolly took a lot more for them to watch, than for me to pitch.
The ex…
Called yesterday to apologize for everything she ever did to me, including blaming me for everything that was wrong in our former marriage, when she had been the one creating the problems all along. She said that she was reading a book and it really “opened her eyes” to just how horrible she had been to me. She said that she knows she could never make it up to me, but that she wanted me to know that she felt absolutely terrible that she had done all those things to tear apart our family’s lives…
…Well, how do you think I responded?
Sometimes I say too much. ;)
Take care,
Mo
Monday, July 26, 2004
Fear vs. Gluttony... place your bets.
I was at Arby's today. I was standing in line thinking about some of the things I'd said about fear, and the lingering thoughts of what I had written. My mind actually came up with responses to the post. I thought, "I'm going to have to post to comments myself." Then, pondered some more until I came up with some more on the subject.
I came to a couple conclusions, and I was surprised when I made a connection between fear and gluttony.
The first part of it all starts with a major thought.
Sometimes you have to just act brave, and if you do that enough, you won't be afraid anymore.
Then, I was curious because it seems that the same actions which can lead us out of fear can much more easily lead us into personal travesty. I'll explain.
Call it slippery slope, desensitizing, whatever, but if you do something and get excitement out of it you will only be temporarily happy... if you abuse it's power over your emotions. If you continue to do that same "thing" you become desensitized to its effects on you, and you must find a bigger high to still feel something. So, if you eat more than you should at any meal and get a thrill out of that, then you will quickly begin to gain weight and need more to satiate that hunger each time you sit down.
Everyone understands that, but what they may not realize is that same process has to be employed to overcome fear. Whereas you would normally do things to give you a short lived emotional high, in fear you would do things out of your comfort zone to become desensitized to its effects.
Just a quick note, maybe more on it later, don't know. I don't know a whole lot right now, and it has me in the wrong frame of mind.
I'm tired, disappointed and grumpy. I won't be here for a couple days, so everyone take care til I get back.
Mo
I came to a couple conclusions, and I was surprised when I made a connection between fear and gluttony.
The first part of it all starts with a major thought.
Sometimes you have to just act brave, and if you do that enough, you won't be afraid anymore.
Then, I was curious because it seems that the same actions which can lead us out of fear can much more easily lead us into personal travesty. I'll explain.
Call it slippery slope, desensitizing, whatever, but if you do something and get excitement out of it you will only be temporarily happy... if you abuse it's power over your emotions. If you continue to do that same "thing" you become desensitized to its effects on you, and you must find a bigger high to still feel something. So, if you eat more than you should at any meal and get a thrill out of that, then you will quickly begin to gain weight and need more to satiate that hunger each time you sit down.
Everyone understands that, but what they may not realize is that same process has to be employed to overcome fear. Whereas you would normally do things to give you a short lived emotional high, in fear you would do things out of your comfort zone to become desensitized to its effects.
Just a quick note, maybe more on it later, don't know. I don't know a whole lot right now, and it has me in the wrong frame of mind.
I'm tired, disappointed and grumpy. I won't be here for a couple days, so everyone take care til I get back.
Mo
Sunday, July 25, 2004
...And either he will succeed - or just suck.
The past two days have been met with a somewhat disturbing revelation. This revelation reinforces that which I already know, but hoped I was wrong about.
You will never make it anywhere in life if you have to rely on someone else to get there.
Story time:
So, the theory was pretty straightforward. I'd simply work in jewelry until I gained the experience necessary to go to the next level - management. I'd study in my free time. I'd study while I worked, and concentrate on what I already knew when I wasn't studying. I'd understand sales. I'd end up as a talented bench jeweler and designer. I'd make sure that I understood how business worked on a small scale and a large corporate scale. I'd make sacrifices of money, time, security and sanity. I'd prepare everyday waiting for an opportunity to arise. Then, when it did, I'd pounce on it. Not only would I dive in, I'd make a big splash too.
After, success at jewelry management, and advancement through a couple of rungs on the corporate ladder I'd jump. I'd start my own company. It wouldn't have anything to do with jewelry. I'd consult, and teach a new way of thinking about management.
The business plan is already finishded. I know how the advertising will work. I know how much PROFIT I'll make in the first year. I even know how much staff I'll need to hire. I know the office space I'll need, and I'm even pretty sure I know what my desk will eventually look like. I know what my expenses will be. I can even tell you that I'd be able to run at a profit from the beginning. Mind you, it may be a small profit initially, but, within one year, it'll grow to be huge.
The only thing that I lack at this point in time is credibility. "What does an unproven hick with no degree from the hills of Western Maryland know about business? He has no management experience on his resume whatsoever. If he's so good then why is he still searching for that perfect employer? Why does he need anything at all? He's got it aaaaaalllll figured out.", and I do. lol. (I don't, but I've figured out a great deal more than my current and former employers.) The difference between them and me is the fact that I understand one basic truth. I'm not right all the time.
I spend everyday doing three things:
1. Having a correct opinion, attitude, and purpose in my own profession, and in my own life.
2. Planning on what I'll do and how I'll react when I'm inevitably wrong.
and
3. Studying to figure out how to modify my current behavior and opinions to support #1.
It sounds boring, but that's all autopilot stuff. It comes naturally to everyone... at least the first two. That, is what separates me, and many other people from my former employers. They do the first two parts well, but they will be beaten by someone who does the third part, and crushed by someone who's good at it.
"When you are not practicing, remember; someone, somewhere, is practicing, and when you meet him he will win." - Ed Macauley
I'll run things differently. I understand what employees are looking for, and I'm willing to give it to them. This isn't arrogance talking. This is the same as you or anyone else saying that one and one makes two. It's something I've learned through study. Management is something that can be learned, and I can prove it. You just need to have the right teachers. I've found the right books, and, if examples on how not to do things are good teachers, then I guess I have had the best. But there is someone out there who understands exactly what I'm saying. I haven't found them yet, but they're out there.
This has led me to an unsettling conclusion. I need to be that teacher - somehow. I had hoped to go the easy route: become a store manager and train people to be better people, not better employees. i would raise their standards, and in doing so, I'd create an environment where everyone was challenged yet happy and supportive.
It would be a team atmosphere, and in that vein there would be unfortunate cuts to the roster. The reason for those cuts being that I would build the best team possible all the time. This would create a sort of utopia for my staff because as long as they worked to be the best they are always safe. Always. I will always go to bat for them. I will take the punishment from up above because I know that my team is the best team possible, and they will succeed from it.
There'd unfortunately, be no room for gimmes. Everyone has to perform all the time. There will always be room for fun, and lots of it, but we will be there to accomplish our goals first, no matter what we have to do in order to accomplish them.
We will work hard to play very hard.
That was the plan, and it still may be, but for now it looks like I have some difficult decisions to make. The store that I was told that I'd be taking over is the performing well above expectations since the time I've been hired. The manager is obviously doing something right, and I commend them for that. I have no desire to move anywhere else in the region I'm in, even if there was an opening. (I hear that a store in western NY is available... brrrr) So, that means I have to find a different region to go to in order to take a manager's job (most likely scenario... hopefully in the Baltimore/DC area - at least I have lots of friends there). Or, I have to start my own company and just market around any credibility issues (I've talked about this for years, but I just always wanted to be a bit more secure financially before going this route). Stick it out with the region I'm in and wait for someone to screw up in the two places I'd accept (not at this pay rate). Or, go work for a different company (the least likely of all scenarios).
I'll know more info about my current status on Tuesday, but I think it looks grim. Most of you don't realize the frustrations I've had in dealing with jobs where things were promised, but never delivered. This is one more time that it's happened. Eventually, you'd think I'd come to expect it, but I always hold out hope that maybe this manager will be the one to show me that they worked harder to get where they are than I did to remain where I am. The frustration mounts.
So, tomorrow I'm off to a store in West, by God, Virginia. I'll be working with someone who carries a loaded gun to work, and she is not a cop (or fbi agent). It could be interseting. I guess I'd better compliment her on her hair.
Tuesday I plan to be in the Baltimore/DC area, and I'll stay til Wednesday. It'll be fun, I can't wait. So, you may not get an update til Thursday or Friday.
Take care.
Mo
You will never make it anywhere in life if you have to rely on someone else to get there.
Story time:
So, the theory was pretty straightforward. I'd simply work in jewelry until I gained the experience necessary to go to the next level - management. I'd study in my free time. I'd study while I worked, and concentrate on what I already knew when I wasn't studying. I'd understand sales. I'd end up as a talented bench jeweler and designer. I'd make sure that I understood how business worked on a small scale and a large corporate scale. I'd make sacrifices of money, time, security and sanity. I'd prepare everyday waiting for an opportunity to arise. Then, when it did, I'd pounce on it. Not only would I dive in, I'd make a big splash too.
After, success at jewelry management, and advancement through a couple of rungs on the corporate ladder I'd jump. I'd start my own company. It wouldn't have anything to do with jewelry. I'd consult, and teach a new way of thinking about management.
The business plan is already finishded. I know how the advertising will work. I know how much PROFIT I'll make in the first year. I even know how much staff I'll need to hire. I know the office space I'll need, and I'm even pretty sure I know what my desk will eventually look like. I know what my expenses will be. I can even tell you that I'd be able to run at a profit from the beginning. Mind you, it may be a small profit initially, but, within one year, it'll grow to be huge.
The only thing that I lack at this point in time is credibility. "What does an unproven hick with no degree from the hills of Western Maryland know about business? He has no management experience on his resume whatsoever. If he's so good then why is he still searching for that perfect employer? Why does he need anything at all? He's got it aaaaaalllll figured out.", and I do. lol. (I don't, but I've figured out a great deal more than my current and former employers.) The difference between them and me is the fact that I understand one basic truth. I'm not right all the time.
I spend everyday doing three things:
1. Having a correct opinion, attitude, and purpose in my own profession, and in my own life.
2. Planning on what I'll do and how I'll react when I'm inevitably wrong.
and
3. Studying to figure out how to modify my current behavior and opinions to support #1.
It sounds boring, but that's all autopilot stuff. It comes naturally to everyone... at least the first two. That, is what separates me, and many other people from my former employers. They do the first two parts well, but they will be beaten by someone who does the third part, and crushed by someone who's good at it.
"When you are not practicing, remember; someone, somewhere, is practicing, and when you meet him he will win." - Ed Macauley
I'll run things differently. I understand what employees are looking for, and I'm willing to give it to them. This isn't arrogance talking. This is the same as you or anyone else saying that one and one makes two. It's something I've learned through study. Management is something that can be learned, and I can prove it. You just need to have the right teachers. I've found the right books, and, if examples on how not to do things are good teachers, then I guess I have had the best. But there is someone out there who understands exactly what I'm saying. I haven't found them yet, but they're out there.
This has led me to an unsettling conclusion. I need to be that teacher - somehow. I had hoped to go the easy route: become a store manager and train people to be better people, not better employees. i would raise their standards, and in doing so, I'd create an environment where everyone was challenged yet happy and supportive.
It would be a team atmosphere, and in that vein there would be unfortunate cuts to the roster. The reason for those cuts being that I would build the best team possible all the time. This would create a sort of utopia for my staff because as long as they worked to be the best they are always safe. Always. I will always go to bat for them. I will take the punishment from up above because I know that my team is the best team possible, and they will succeed from it.
There'd unfortunately, be no room for gimmes. Everyone has to perform all the time. There will always be room for fun, and lots of it, but we will be there to accomplish our goals first, no matter what we have to do in order to accomplish them.
We will work hard to play very hard.
That was the plan, and it still may be, but for now it looks like I have some difficult decisions to make. The store that I was told that I'd be taking over is the performing well above expectations since the time I've been hired. The manager is obviously doing something right, and I commend them for that. I have no desire to move anywhere else in the region I'm in, even if there was an opening. (I hear that a store in western NY is available... brrrr) So, that means I have to find a different region to go to in order to take a manager's job (most likely scenario... hopefully in the Baltimore/DC area - at least I have lots of friends there). Or, I have to start my own company and just market around any credibility issues (I've talked about this for years, but I just always wanted to be a bit more secure financially before going this route). Stick it out with the region I'm in and wait for someone to screw up in the two places I'd accept (not at this pay rate). Or, go work for a different company (the least likely of all scenarios).
I'll know more info about my current status on Tuesday, but I think it looks grim. Most of you don't realize the frustrations I've had in dealing with jobs where things were promised, but never delivered. This is one more time that it's happened. Eventually, you'd think I'd come to expect it, but I always hold out hope that maybe this manager will be the one to show me that they worked harder to get where they are than I did to remain where I am. The frustration mounts.
So, tomorrow I'm off to a store in West, by God, Virginia. I'll be working with someone who carries a loaded gun to work, and she is not a cop (or fbi agent). It could be interseting. I guess I'd better compliment her on her hair.
Tuesday I plan to be in the Baltimore/DC area, and I'll stay til Wednesday. It'll be fun, I can't wait. So, you may not get an update til Thursday or Friday.
Take care.
Mo
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Rain drops on roses, and whiskers... you didn't really think I'd continue?
Let's talk about the things I like. This is a pretty difficult topic overall. You try listing things in life you like. Not only that, I have a no addiction policy. I don't do anything I couldn't give up tomorrow - the only exception is relationships (and that is still up in the air as to whether it should be on the list). This keeps me free from doing too much of anything. It also keeps me somewhat healthy.
So, where do we start? How about music? It'll probably take a bit. Music is a very large part of my existence. I sang before I spoke (You Light Up My Life - proof that I was an abused child. just kidding mom, but have you really listened to that? My mother played that song enough times that I began to sing it even though I COULDN'T YET FORM WORDS!!!! BTW, don't ask me to sing it. I don't like it, and it won't happen. I write this for your entertainment - not my abuse.) My grandmothers both enjoyed music, so they made sure I was familiarized with piano classics and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" when I was still small. My parents listened to Barry Manilow, and Kenny Rogers when I was a kid. I still know every word to the gambler, and Kenny has a special place in my memories. Barry, well, I could take it or leave it now.
As I developed my own tastes they became rather diversified. I could really listen to just about anyone by the time I graduated high school, and enjoy them.
Quick sidenote:
I sang all through elementary school and had a pretty promising future, I guess. I was in every play and performed well. Then, in middle school I wanted to continue drumming more than I wanted to continue singing. I had to basically make a choice. So, I gave up singing (probably a good idea since my voice would have changed there). When I reached high school, I took interest in this girl that was in the band. She paid me a bit of attention, and flirted enough that she easily convinced me to join the show choir. I did, didn't get the girl, but the music career went into high gear then. Two time All-State, scholarships, leads in plays, only band to perform at after prom party... it redefined my high school career - thanks Laurie... I think. I even went to college as a vocal music major.
While at college they figured out how to drain any enjoyment I may have had singing. It became vocal math, an unending drive to perfection that wasn't really a scenic trip. That's how I switched my major to theatre... and haven't performed since.
I half-jokingly say I'm retired, but there was an instructor in college who was exactly right. He said, "If you think you enjoy singing now, wait til you reach your early thirties." I'm not quite there yet, but already see what he's talking about. My range has actually increased, and breath support is much easier now. It really is amazing. This may bring me out of retirement some day, but it'll take a very good reason. I won't even sing karaoke because I know I'll only criticize my performance afterwards, whether I did well or not. It just doesn't seem worth the self torment. If you want to hear me sing (most of my closest friends haven't), think of a good enough reason with enough time in advance, and I'm sure I could theoretically accommodate. Guess we'll have to see.
I guess that brings us to right now. What do I like?
Right now, I'm listening to Dainbramage on iTunes. It's a Modern Rock station. I was in the mood. I also listen to HitzRadio, and MakRadio, both top 40 stations. I listen to some jazz stations, mostly smooth jazz, and an Ambient station called Magnatune. iTunes, I blasted you at first, but you've quickly become my favorite.
As far as artists...
I just bought the Maroon 5 cd, and I really Love it. Top to bottom very good. I also like other bands for being good top to bottom... 3 Doors Down, Train and Linkin Park. I like a fair amount of rap/hip hop. Twista seems to come to the front of my head, his track with Sting (Stolen Car) should be heard by everyone, if only for the appreciation of speed. Norah Jones is great, I also listen to as much Andy Narrell as I can find because I helped make drums for him in college (more on that later). He's an amazingly good pan (steel drum) player. Blue Man Group. and Stomp! are great too.
Can't forget a couple others. Garth Brooks, great, but don't listen a lot anymore (some people with warped vision think I look like him - minus the Stetson). The Tony Rich Project... awesome. Bubba Sparxxx, nice job on the last album.
Favorite song of all time?
Barenaked Ladies... One Week. Is there a song that is any more fun than that one in existence?
Movies
Rounders comes to mind. I Loved watching the thought process throughout. Fight Club, great script. Seven, same reason as well as The Sixth Sense. Super Troopers (Do not, I repeat do NOT watch Club Dread!!!! It should only be viewed if you've been captured by a sadistic secret society that has forced you too.) and Old School, they could be two of the funniest movies I've ever seen along with Bad Boys 2.
TV
Don't watch it, but I'll take a stab. Penn and Teller's Bullsh*t! is good. CSI, everyone likes it. I like to cook, a lot, so I enjoy watching Alton Brown on Good Eats. Emeril, and Bobby Flay, now I just need a good set of knives and I'll be able to cook just like them. lol
Lately, I only watch sports. which leads me to the next part.
Sports
There is only one team that I will not miss under any circumstances (I say that, but it's only to look tough, lol. If I have to work or whatever, I work.). WVU's football team. I am a big fan. If you've never been to a college football game, it's different than any sporting event than you've ever been too. My friends, who aren't even WVU fans, Love going to games, most, more than pro games.
Behind them comes the Redskins, I can't wait to see what Gibbs does, but I think I'm one of the few people who would have liked to have seen what Steve Spurrier could have done in a few years.
I'm a Lakers fan. Next year should be interesting. They'll be okay with Kobe at the healm, but I can't imagine dominance. Shaq was a big problem. If he put forth the effort he'll put forth going to Miami, they'd have never lost in L.A. (BTW, my feelings on the Bryant case... touchy subject. I think he had sex with her, it got out of hand, and he should have stopped where he was. I do, however, believe it was consensual in the beginning. He's still guilty of a few things, and it's sad to see someone with so much potential tarnish his impeccable reputation. It's worse to see that he possibly ruined some poor girl's life. I say possibly, because there is still a slim possibility that she's gold digging, but I doubt it.)
Like the Cubs, but haven't watched them in a while. Same way with the Penguins. Tony Stewart if you're going to press me for NASCAR, but that was only cause I read an article about him when he was a rookie about how he'd blast Metallica in his car if he could have a stereo - even though I don't like Metallica, I just liked his attitude.
Here's a weird one... favorite sports owner, Mark Cuban (http://www.blogmaverick.com) he's brilliant, and so is his blog.
Internet
Home page, http://www.fark.com, the best site ever. It's hilarious, and informative. It's normally all the news I need to know. Other news... http://news.google.com, http://www.usatoday.com. Daily reads... http://artsandlettersdaily.com, http://www.askmen.com, http://www.espn.com, Xbox news from http://www.teamxbox.com, and my new favorite web site, just because it's a really cool concept and the prices are really good is http://www.woot.com. I found it through a neat tech blog named http://www.engadget.com
Console
Simple -Xbox. Xbox Live is amazing, wonderful technology.
Car
Nissan 350Z, don't have one, but if someone's buying... I'd like it in Silver.
Books
That's another tough one. The 48 Laws of Power comes to mind as an amazingly good read. Don't read too much into the title. I saw an article on it in USAToday and decided to check it out. I didn't regret it. Dale Carnegie's stuff is amazing. Doug Hall's Jump Start Your Brain is absolutely perfect. Tony Robbins seems to have his finger on the "change your life pulse" as does Mark Victor Hansen. Zig Ziglar is an amazing salesperson who's adored worlwide, an amazing feat for a salesperson. lol. His autobiography, Zig, was really very good. Fiction: John Saul, and Dean Koontz are both good, but I don't read much fiction.
What am I reading right now? Ordinary People Extraordinary Wealth, Ric Edelman, (pretty neat), Zig's Secrets of Closing the Sale (it'll change your perspective on the sales profession), and Managing Your Mind: The Mental Fitness Guide, Gillian Butler, and Tony Hope. However, I'm lucky that The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown is allowing me to write. It's been tough to put down since page one. The pacing is amazing in it.
Comedians
Eddie Izzard. I never thought I'd laugh that hard at a transvestite, but he proved me wrong. He could be the most intelligent comedian out there. I don't know that he'd accept that as a compliment. He'd probably say something like, "Well, ... you don't hear anyone saying that he's the funniest quantum theorist I've ever met. Bloody hell, that just makes no sense." lol
Ron white has taken his place near the top too. His routine about having his dog studded out, I'm grinning just thinking about it.
Most Influential Teacher
Harold Surratt. He's been in several movies and I can nearly guarantee you've seen him in at least one. They are just bit parts, but who cares? Let me tell you why he's amazing. I attended his acting class every day in the semester I had it in college, so did everyone else - even though it was an 8 am class. He was great, and he taught us mostly improv, but what he taught me was much more.
Harold is black. That's relevant, but only at the end of the story. Disclaimer: I am not nor will ever be anywhere near racist.
One morning in Harold's class we have to give a speech. We're to be an "expert" on something. I was sitting there watching everyone else go, trying to decide just what I was going to be an "expert" of. One person drank Diet Coke all the time - she was an expert on that. One had performed ballet all her life - she was an expert on ballet. Another, tap dancing - expert on tap dancing, knew Phantom of the Opera inside and out - expert, etc. etc. etc.
I didn't want to do anything I was really an expert on, so it took me time to come up with it, but I finally did - Pocket Lint. It would be perfect. I could make up whatever I didn't know. Then when my required 2 minute Q&A session came I'd make that up too. This was going to be so much fun... and it was.
3 minutes blazed by. I told them everything they wanted to "know" about pocket lint. I had changed my voice to sound like something out of Monty Python, and they were laughing so hard that tears were streaming down their faces.
Then came the question and answer session. "Which is better, pocket or dryer lint?", "Where does belly button lint come from, and what relationship does it have with pocket lint?", "Are specific colors of pocket lint better than others?".... They were all great questions which I answered with enthusiastic "facts". Then Harold raised his hand. The questions were easy so far, I just made everything up. I was going to do the same to him. I had this in the bag... can't rattle me now... "What is your name?"
That may seem like a simple question, but as soon as I went to answer I caught myself. I can't be me. I am not an expert on pocket lint. Yes, I could rationalize that there was somebody else in the world, with the same name as mine, that was an expert on pocket lint, but that wasn't the point of the exercise.
My name? What kind of question is that? Come on, everyone else had easy ones. You can't ask me that one. What's my name?
"Consuelo."
Don't ask me where it came from. I don't know, but it was not only right - it was hilarious.
I made it through the tough question. The rest would be easy more "product info" questions which I breezed through. Then, something completely unexpected happened.
Harold raised his hand again.
He can't ask me another question. He only asked everyone else one. Why do I get two? It doesn't matter. I already got the hardest question, this one will probably be about pocket lint...
"Where are you from?"
Once again, a deceptively simple question. I couldn't originate from where I was really from because that person, "Consuelo", didn't live there, and we all knew it.
Oh come on! This isn't even fair anymore. Everyone else gets the easy questions. I get the tough ones. I can't even believe this. I thought he would appreciate this, but man, he's not making it easy on me at all here.
"East Africa."
I know where that one came from. Harold was laughing so hard by this time that he told me to sit down early. He was literally rolling on the floor, as were several others. I was doing everything to keep a straight face, but it wasn't working well at all.
"Sit down, sit down." Through gut wrenching laughter. "I can't take any more.", as he wiped tears from his eyes.
I sat there through the rest of the class. I was proud of my work, but this thought kept running through my head. I didn't mean anything by the "East Africa" remark, but he was the only black guy in the room. He really could have taken offense to that, and in no way shape or form did I want him to feel that way. So, after class, I went up to him.
"Harold, I just wanted you to know. The comment, um about uh 'East Africa', well I just wanted you to know - I didn't mean anything at all by that..." to which he cut me off immediately.
"Bill," he said, "you were in the moment. There you were, up in front of everyone and they were asking you everything. You answered them all. I threw you a curve. You took one look at me and you did exactly what you were supposed to do... it was perfect. Please, don't think anything of it, I didn't."
...I did, but not because I was worried about having offended him. I have thought about it a lot in my life because he showed a certain level of unexpected tolerance that I respect so much to this day.
Harold once asked me if I ever thought about going into comedy. I honestly hadn't, but he had a way of making you believe that you could... if you just wanted too. He could make you think that you could be John Wayne, Mel Gibson, Kenneth Brannagh, Clint Eastwood, Frank Sinatra, Lawrence Olivier, and Richard Pryor all wrapped into one, if you just believed.
Thank you Harold. I can't wait to see you again wherever you may be.
Food
I like Asian cuisines, doesn't matter where from. Don't like sushi. Italian is good, Manicotti, Lasagna, Spaghetti - it has to be home made sauce otherwise, no. Love seafood. My grandfather owns a cattle farm, so I like good steaks (who doesn't), but nine times out of ten I don't have a very memorable steak at a restaurant. Applebee's - coconut shrimp... mmmmm. There is a heaven. Speaking of heaven... tiramisu. If you've never had it, do not pass go, do not collect $200, go find some. Might I recommend Puglioni's in Morgantown, the first place I ever tried it.
My cooking specialty... probably pork chops stuffed with a blue cheese stuffing. It's very good, but I rarely get to make it.
That should take care of you getting to know me better, glad you stuck it out til the end. I'm sure I could have thought of more, but it's getting late. Anything else you want to know... post to comments. Take care.
Mo
So, where do we start? How about music? It'll probably take a bit. Music is a very large part of my existence. I sang before I spoke (You Light Up My Life - proof that I was an abused child. just kidding mom, but have you really listened to that? My mother played that song enough times that I began to sing it even though I COULDN'T YET FORM WORDS!!!! BTW, don't ask me to sing it. I don't like it, and it won't happen. I write this for your entertainment - not my abuse.) My grandmothers both enjoyed music, so they made sure I was familiarized with piano classics and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" when I was still small. My parents listened to Barry Manilow, and Kenny Rogers when I was a kid. I still know every word to the gambler, and Kenny has a special place in my memories. Barry, well, I could take it or leave it now.
As I developed my own tastes they became rather diversified. I could really listen to just about anyone by the time I graduated high school, and enjoy them.
Quick sidenote:
I sang all through elementary school and had a pretty promising future, I guess. I was in every play and performed well. Then, in middle school I wanted to continue drumming more than I wanted to continue singing. I had to basically make a choice. So, I gave up singing (probably a good idea since my voice would have changed there). When I reached high school, I took interest in this girl that was in the band. She paid me a bit of attention, and flirted enough that she easily convinced me to join the show choir. I did, didn't get the girl, but the music career went into high gear then. Two time All-State, scholarships, leads in plays, only band to perform at after prom party... it redefined my high school career - thanks Laurie... I think. I even went to college as a vocal music major.
While at college they figured out how to drain any enjoyment I may have had singing. It became vocal math, an unending drive to perfection that wasn't really a scenic trip. That's how I switched my major to theatre... and haven't performed since.
I half-jokingly say I'm retired, but there was an instructor in college who was exactly right. He said, "If you think you enjoy singing now, wait til you reach your early thirties." I'm not quite there yet, but already see what he's talking about. My range has actually increased, and breath support is much easier now. It really is amazing. This may bring me out of retirement some day, but it'll take a very good reason. I won't even sing karaoke because I know I'll only criticize my performance afterwards, whether I did well or not. It just doesn't seem worth the self torment. If you want to hear me sing (most of my closest friends haven't), think of a good enough reason with enough time in advance, and I'm sure I could theoretically accommodate. Guess we'll have to see.
I guess that brings us to right now. What do I like?
Right now, I'm listening to Dainbramage on iTunes. It's a Modern Rock station. I was in the mood. I also listen to HitzRadio, and MakRadio, both top 40 stations. I listen to some jazz stations, mostly smooth jazz, and an Ambient station called Magnatune. iTunes, I blasted you at first, but you've quickly become my favorite.
As far as artists...
I just bought the Maroon 5 cd, and I really Love it. Top to bottom very good. I also like other bands for being good top to bottom... 3 Doors Down, Train and Linkin Park. I like a fair amount of rap/hip hop. Twista seems to come to the front of my head, his track with Sting (Stolen Car) should be heard by everyone, if only for the appreciation of speed. Norah Jones is great, I also listen to as much Andy Narrell as I can find because I helped make drums for him in college (more on that later). He's an amazingly good pan (steel drum) player. Blue Man Group. and Stomp! are great too.
Can't forget a couple others. Garth Brooks, great, but don't listen a lot anymore (some people with warped vision think I look like him - minus the Stetson). The Tony Rich Project... awesome. Bubba Sparxxx, nice job on the last album.
Favorite song of all time?
Barenaked Ladies... One Week. Is there a song that is any more fun than that one in existence?
Movies
Rounders comes to mind. I Loved watching the thought process throughout. Fight Club, great script. Seven, same reason as well as The Sixth Sense. Super Troopers (Do not, I repeat do NOT watch Club Dread!!!! It should only be viewed if you've been captured by a sadistic secret society that has forced you too.) and Old School, they could be two of the funniest movies I've ever seen along with Bad Boys 2.
TV
Don't watch it, but I'll take a stab. Penn and Teller's Bullsh*t! is good. CSI, everyone likes it. I like to cook, a lot, so I enjoy watching Alton Brown on Good Eats. Emeril, and Bobby Flay, now I just need a good set of knives and I'll be able to cook just like them. lol
Lately, I only watch sports. which leads me to the next part.
Sports
There is only one team that I will not miss under any circumstances (I say that, but it's only to look tough, lol. If I have to work or whatever, I work.). WVU's football team. I am a big fan. If you've never been to a college football game, it's different than any sporting event than you've ever been too. My friends, who aren't even WVU fans, Love going to games, most, more than pro games.
Behind them comes the Redskins, I can't wait to see what Gibbs does, but I think I'm one of the few people who would have liked to have seen what Steve Spurrier could have done in a few years.
I'm a Lakers fan. Next year should be interesting. They'll be okay with Kobe at the healm, but I can't imagine dominance. Shaq was a big problem. If he put forth the effort he'll put forth going to Miami, they'd have never lost in L.A. (BTW, my feelings on the Bryant case... touchy subject. I think he had sex with her, it got out of hand, and he should have stopped where he was. I do, however, believe it was consensual in the beginning. He's still guilty of a few things, and it's sad to see someone with so much potential tarnish his impeccable reputation. It's worse to see that he possibly ruined some poor girl's life. I say possibly, because there is still a slim possibility that she's gold digging, but I doubt it.)
Like the Cubs, but haven't watched them in a while. Same way with the Penguins. Tony Stewart if you're going to press me for NASCAR, but that was only cause I read an article about him when he was a rookie about how he'd blast Metallica in his car if he could have a stereo - even though I don't like Metallica, I just liked his attitude.
Here's a weird one... favorite sports owner, Mark Cuban (http://www.blogmaverick.com) he's brilliant, and so is his blog.
Internet
Home page, http://www.fark.com, the best site ever. It's hilarious, and informative. It's normally all the news I need to know. Other news... http://news.google.com, http://www.usatoday.com. Daily reads... http://artsandlettersdaily.com, http://www.askmen.com, http://www.espn.com, Xbox news from http://www.teamxbox.com, and my new favorite web site, just because it's a really cool concept and the prices are really good is http://www.woot.com. I found it through a neat tech blog named http://www.engadget.com
Console
Simple -Xbox. Xbox Live is amazing, wonderful technology.
Car
Nissan 350Z, don't have one, but if someone's buying... I'd like it in Silver.
Books
That's another tough one. The 48 Laws of Power comes to mind as an amazingly good read. Don't read too much into the title. I saw an article on it in USAToday and decided to check it out. I didn't regret it. Dale Carnegie's stuff is amazing. Doug Hall's Jump Start Your Brain is absolutely perfect. Tony Robbins seems to have his finger on the "change your life pulse" as does Mark Victor Hansen. Zig Ziglar is an amazing salesperson who's adored worlwide, an amazing feat for a salesperson. lol. His autobiography, Zig, was really very good. Fiction: John Saul, and Dean Koontz are both good, but I don't read much fiction.
What am I reading right now? Ordinary People Extraordinary Wealth, Ric Edelman, (pretty neat), Zig's Secrets of Closing the Sale (it'll change your perspective on the sales profession), and Managing Your Mind: The Mental Fitness Guide, Gillian Butler, and Tony Hope. However, I'm lucky that The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown is allowing me to write. It's been tough to put down since page one. The pacing is amazing in it.
Comedians
Eddie Izzard. I never thought I'd laugh that hard at a transvestite, but he proved me wrong. He could be the most intelligent comedian out there. I don't know that he'd accept that as a compliment. He'd probably say something like, "Well, ... you don't hear anyone saying that he's the funniest quantum theorist I've ever met. Bloody hell, that just makes no sense." lol
Ron white has taken his place near the top too. His routine about having his dog studded out, I'm grinning just thinking about it.
Most Influential Teacher
Harold Surratt. He's been in several movies and I can nearly guarantee you've seen him in at least one. They are just bit parts, but who cares? Let me tell you why he's amazing. I attended his acting class every day in the semester I had it in college, so did everyone else - even though it was an 8 am class. He was great, and he taught us mostly improv, but what he taught me was much more.
Harold is black. That's relevant, but only at the end of the story. Disclaimer: I am not nor will ever be anywhere near racist.
One morning in Harold's class we have to give a speech. We're to be an "expert" on something. I was sitting there watching everyone else go, trying to decide just what I was going to be an "expert" of. One person drank Diet Coke all the time - she was an expert on that. One had performed ballet all her life - she was an expert on ballet. Another, tap dancing - expert on tap dancing, knew Phantom of the Opera inside and out - expert, etc. etc. etc.
I didn't want to do anything I was really an expert on, so it took me time to come up with it, but I finally did - Pocket Lint. It would be perfect. I could make up whatever I didn't know. Then when my required 2 minute Q&A session came I'd make that up too. This was going to be so much fun... and it was.
3 minutes blazed by. I told them everything they wanted to "know" about pocket lint. I had changed my voice to sound like something out of Monty Python, and they were laughing so hard that tears were streaming down their faces.
Then came the question and answer session. "Which is better, pocket or dryer lint?", "Where does belly button lint come from, and what relationship does it have with pocket lint?", "Are specific colors of pocket lint better than others?".... They were all great questions which I answered with enthusiastic "facts". Then Harold raised his hand. The questions were easy so far, I just made everything up. I was going to do the same to him. I had this in the bag... can't rattle me now... "What is your name?"
That may seem like a simple question, but as soon as I went to answer I caught myself. I can't be me. I am not an expert on pocket lint. Yes, I could rationalize that there was somebody else in the world, with the same name as mine, that was an expert on pocket lint, but that wasn't the point of the exercise.
My name? What kind of question is that? Come on, everyone else had easy ones. You can't ask me that one. What's my name?
"Consuelo."
Don't ask me where it came from. I don't know, but it was not only right - it was hilarious.
I made it through the tough question. The rest would be easy more "product info" questions which I breezed through. Then, something completely unexpected happened.
Harold raised his hand again.
He can't ask me another question. He only asked everyone else one. Why do I get two? It doesn't matter. I already got the hardest question, this one will probably be about pocket lint...
"Where are you from?"
Once again, a deceptively simple question. I couldn't originate from where I was really from because that person, "Consuelo", didn't live there, and we all knew it.
Oh come on! This isn't even fair anymore. Everyone else gets the easy questions. I get the tough ones. I can't even believe this. I thought he would appreciate this, but man, he's not making it easy on me at all here.
"East Africa."
I know where that one came from. Harold was laughing so hard by this time that he told me to sit down early. He was literally rolling on the floor, as were several others. I was doing everything to keep a straight face, but it wasn't working well at all.
"Sit down, sit down." Through gut wrenching laughter. "I can't take any more.", as he wiped tears from his eyes.
I sat there through the rest of the class. I was proud of my work, but this thought kept running through my head. I didn't mean anything by the "East Africa" remark, but he was the only black guy in the room. He really could have taken offense to that, and in no way shape or form did I want him to feel that way. So, after class, I went up to him.
"Harold, I just wanted you to know. The comment, um about uh 'East Africa', well I just wanted you to know - I didn't mean anything at all by that..." to which he cut me off immediately.
"Bill," he said, "you were in the moment. There you were, up in front of everyone and they were asking you everything. You answered them all. I threw you a curve. You took one look at me and you did exactly what you were supposed to do... it was perfect. Please, don't think anything of it, I didn't."
...I did, but not because I was worried about having offended him. I have thought about it a lot in my life because he showed a certain level of unexpected tolerance that I respect so much to this day.
Harold once asked me if I ever thought about going into comedy. I honestly hadn't, but he had a way of making you believe that you could... if you just wanted too. He could make you think that you could be John Wayne, Mel Gibson, Kenneth Brannagh, Clint Eastwood, Frank Sinatra, Lawrence Olivier, and Richard Pryor all wrapped into one, if you just believed.
Thank you Harold. I can't wait to see you again wherever you may be.
Food
I like Asian cuisines, doesn't matter where from. Don't like sushi. Italian is good, Manicotti, Lasagna, Spaghetti - it has to be home made sauce otherwise, no. Love seafood. My grandfather owns a cattle farm, so I like good steaks (who doesn't), but nine times out of ten I don't have a very memorable steak at a restaurant. Applebee's - coconut shrimp... mmmmm. There is a heaven. Speaking of heaven... tiramisu. If you've never had it, do not pass go, do not collect $200, go find some. Might I recommend Puglioni's in Morgantown, the first place I ever tried it.
My cooking specialty... probably pork chops stuffed with a blue cheese stuffing. It's very good, but I rarely get to make it.
That should take care of you getting to know me better, glad you stuck it out til the end. I'm sure I could have thought of more, but it's getting late. Anything else you want to know... post to comments. Take care.
Mo
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Never scared?
What are we afraid of? Are we afraid we'll get hurt? Are we too scared of the bad things in life that we won't enjoy the good things? Do we fear that we're being lied too? What is it?
Why is it so much easier to hide what is truly felt? Why is that even encouraged? I mean, it seems that every time I want to say what I think or feel, this little voice inside my head reminds me that it may not be worth it, and I agree. It may not be. As a matter of fact, when it comes right down to it I've found that the better solution is to just shut up (don't always do that well).
Sometimes these answers are simple: it all goes back to putting your hand on a hot stove as a kid. I've been burned and so have you. We all have. The problem is... It didn't kill us, it just hurt a little. So, why are we so scared now? Now, it seems that a lot of times I won't even go near my - metaphorical - stove. I don't even like to stand in the same room with it.
I think, for me at least, at this point in time in my life, my future is VERY important. There are many things that I'm looking forward to doing. I have never enjoyed them before, so this will be out of my usual routine. With that comes my thought process on everything:
"If you keep on doing what you've always done; you're gonna keep on getting what you've always gotten."
It's that simple. Before, I left my nose out there to be punched... and it bled. This time, my guard has to be up. Maybe this time I'll charge in, instead of strolling in. I don't know, but this time I'll wear a different color. Anything that I can do to avoid "...doing what I've already done.", can put me on the right path.
It doesn't help that sometimes it feels like I'm taking stabs in the dark, but you know what? You don't know when that's happening - only I do. That's the beauty of a theatre background. lol. It's about time I took advantage of the little college I've attended.
If I sound like I'm trying to convince myself... there's a reason - I am, and I'll bet you are too.
The real issues fall under the category of relationships. If you think about it, every decision we make is based on our relationship with someone... no matter how distant that may be. We are so afraid that people won't like us when they find out what we're hiding from them (regardless of its trivial nature) that it's just easier to not even get close. We really aren't being fair to ourselves or the people around us when we close up like that. Missed opportunities will be our undoing in life.
I'll give an example:
My biggest difficulty in seeing people, post ex-wife, has been explaining that I have two kids. There's a very small window of opportunity to discuss it with people I'm interested in. Too early, and they think that it's too much too quick. Too late, and they think you're trying to hide something from them. It's very difficult to time it just right, and I was always kind of embarrassed talking about them. Not because I'm ashamed of my kids... they're the best, I have witnesses. More because I'm somewhat ashamed of myself.
I really wanted them to grow up in a happy home with a mother and father just like I did, and I feel as if in some way I have failed them in not succeeding. I know, there wasn't anything I could do, but that qualifies as an excuse for myself. I'm not here to make up excuses. I failed - period. People fail every day; doesn't make them failures.
When I would talk to others I'd try to hide the fact that I'd failed until someone set me straight.
"You have two kids... big deal. If people don't like you for that then they aren't worth your time."
... never thought about it that way, honestly. I always looked at dating like a job interview, when I should have looked at it differently. No, I don't exactly know what to compare it to in reality. Hate to call it a game, but that seems to be a lot closer to reality than an interview. I'm good at interviews all the time, but I'm only good at games that I specifically want to be good at. Dating never came up on that list of games.
So , I came away with a new perspective on dating, and, possibly more importantly, self-esteem. I didn't really learn about self-esteem, but I realized that sometimes "perception"s to others are not the grand fiascoes that you'd believe they are in your own mind.
I'm finding that I have less and less motivation to run for fear of losing something I never really had to begin with. I've found that there are many more things in life to be concerned with than whether that girl, whom I've never met, has an even remote interest in me now, much less when she finds out I have an ex-wife and 2 kids. Now, I don't really care. If she does - great. If not, well I'm not out anything.
When all is said and done, I've come to understand that we're all afraid. As a matter of fact you may be even more scared than I am, you just might be a better actor in this case.
Take care.
Mo
Why is it so much easier to hide what is truly felt? Why is that even encouraged? I mean, it seems that every time I want to say what I think or feel, this little voice inside my head reminds me that it may not be worth it, and I agree. It may not be. As a matter of fact, when it comes right down to it I've found that the better solution is to just shut up (don't always do that well).
Sometimes these answers are simple: it all goes back to putting your hand on a hot stove as a kid. I've been burned and so have you. We all have. The problem is... It didn't kill us, it just hurt a little. So, why are we so scared now? Now, it seems that a lot of times I won't even go near my - metaphorical - stove. I don't even like to stand in the same room with it.
I think, for me at least, at this point in time in my life, my future is VERY important. There are many things that I'm looking forward to doing. I have never enjoyed them before, so this will be out of my usual routine. With that comes my thought process on everything:
"If you keep on doing what you've always done; you're gonna keep on getting what you've always gotten."
It's that simple. Before, I left my nose out there to be punched... and it bled. This time, my guard has to be up. Maybe this time I'll charge in, instead of strolling in. I don't know, but this time I'll wear a different color. Anything that I can do to avoid "...doing what I've already done.", can put me on the right path.
It doesn't help that sometimes it feels like I'm taking stabs in the dark, but you know what? You don't know when that's happening - only I do. That's the beauty of a theatre background. lol. It's about time I took advantage of the little college I've attended.
If I sound like I'm trying to convince myself... there's a reason - I am, and I'll bet you are too.
The real issues fall under the category of relationships. If you think about it, every decision we make is based on our relationship with someone... no matter how distant that may be. We are so afraid that people won't like us when they find out what we're hiding from them (regardless of its trivial nature) that it's just easier to not even get close. We really aren't being fair to ourselves or the people around us when we close up like that. Missed opportunities will be our undoing in life.
I'll give an example:
My biggest difficulty in seeing people, post ex-wife, has been explaining that I have two kids. There's a very small window of opportunity to discuss it with people I'm interested in. Too early, and they think that it's too much too quick. Too late, and they think you're trying to hide something from them. It's very difficult to time it just right, and I was always kind of embarrassed talking about them. Not because I'm ashamed of my kids... they're the best, I have witnesses. More because I'm somewhat ashamed of myself.
I really wanted them to grow up in a happy home with a mother and father just like I did, and I feel as if in some way I have failed them in not succeeding. I know, there wasn't anything I could do, but that qualifies as an excuse for myself. I'm not here to make up excuses. I failed - period. People fail every day; doesn't make them failures.
When I would talk to others I'd try to hide the fact that I'd failed until someone set me straight.
"You have two kids... big deal. If people don't like you for that then they aren't worth your time."
... never thought about it that way, honestly. I always looked at dating like a job interview, when I should have looked at it differently. No, I don't exactly know what to compare it to in reality. Hate to call it a game, but that seems to be a lot closer to reality than an interview. I'm good at interviews all the time, but I'm only good at games that I specifically want to be good at. Dating never came up on that list of games.
So , I came away with a new perspective on dating, and, possibly more importantly, self-esteem. I didn't really learn about self-esteem, but I realized that sometimes "perception"s to others are not the grand fiascoes that you'd believe they are in your own mind.
I'm finding that I have less and less motivation to run for fear of losing something I never really had to begin with. I've found that there are many more things in life to be concerned with than whether that girl, whom I've never met, has an even remote interest in me now, much less when she finds out I have an ex-wife and 2 kids. Now, I don't really care. If she does - great. If not, well I'm not out anything.
When all is said and done, I've come to understand that we're all afraid. As a matter of fact you may be even more scared than I am, you just might be a better actor in this case.
Take care.
Mo
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