Never scared?

What are we afraid of? Are we afraid we'll get hurt? Are we too scared of the bad things in life that we won't enjoy the good things? Do we fear that we're being lied too? What is it?

Why is it so much easier to hide what is truly felt? Why is that even encouraged? I mean, it seems that every time I want to say what I think or feel, this little voice inside my head reminds me that it may not be worth it, and I agree. It may not be. As a matter of fact, when it comes right down to it I've found that the better solution is to just shut up (don't always do that well).

Sometimes these answers are simple: it all goes back to putting your hand on a hot stove as a kid. I've been burned and so have you. We all have. The problem is... It didn't kill us, it just hurt a little. So, why are we so scared now? Now, it seems that a lot of times I won't even go near my - metaphorical - stove. I don't even like to stand in the same room with it.

I think, for me at least, at this point in time in my life, my future is VERY important. There are many things that I'm looking forward to doing. I have never enjoyed them before, so this will be out of my usual routine. With that comes my thought process on everything:

"If you keep on doing what you've always done; you're gonna keep on getting what you've always gotten."

It's that simple. Before, I left my nose out there to be punched... and it bled. This time, my guard has to be up. Maybe this time I'll charge in, instead of strolling in. I don't know, but this time I'll wear a different color. Anything that I can do to avoid "...doing what I've already done.", can put me on the right path.

It doesn't help that sometimes it feels like I'm taking stabs in the dark, but you know what? You don't know when that's happening - only I do. That's the beauty of a theatre background. lol. It's about time I took advantage of the little college I've attended. 

If I sound like I'm trying to convince myself... there's a reason - I am, and I'll bet you are too.
 
The real issues fall under the category of relationships.  If you think about it, every decision we make is based on our relationship with someone... no matter how distant that may be.  We are so afraid that people won't like us when they find out what we're hiding from them (regardless of its trivial nature) that it's just easier to not even get close.  We really aren't being fair to ourselves or the people around us when we close up like that.  Missed opportunities will be our undoing in life.

I'll give an example:

My biggest difficulty in seeing people, post ex-wife, has been explaining that I have two kids.  There's a very small window of opportunity to discuss it with people I'm interested in.  Too early, and they think that it's too much too quick.  Too late, and they think you're trying to hide something from them.  It's very difficult to time it just right, and I was always kind of embarrassed talking about them.  Not because I'm ashamed of my kids... they're the best, I have witnesses.  More because I'm somewhat ashamed of myself. 

I really wanted them to grow up in a happy home with a mother and father just like I did, and I feel as if in some way I have failed them in not succeeding.  I know, there wasn't anything I could do, but that qualifies as an excuse for myself.  I'm not here to make up excuses.  I failed - period.  People fail every day; doesn't make them failures.

When I would talk to others I'd try to hide the fact that I'd failed until someone set me straight.

"You have two kids... big deal.  If people don't like you for that then they aren't worth your time."

... never thought about it that way, honestly.  I always looked at dating like a job interview, when I should have looked at it differently.  No, I don't exactly know what to compare it to in reality.  Hate to call it a game, but that seems to be a lot closer to reality than an interview.  I'm good at interviews all the time, but I'm only good at games that I specifically want to be good at.  Dating never came up on that list of games.

So , I came away with a new perspective on dating, and, possibly more importantly, self-esteem.   I didn't really learn about self-esteem, but I realized that sometimes "perception"s to others are not the grand fiascoes that you'd believe they are in your own mind.

I'm finding that I have less and less motivation to run for fear of losing something I never really had to begin with.  I've found that there are many more things in life to be concerned with than whether that girl, whom I've never met, has an even remote interest in me now, much less when she finds out I have an ex-wife and 2 kids.  Now, I don't really care.  If she does - great.  If not, well I'm not out anything.

When all is said and done, I've come to understand that we're all afraid.  As a matter of fact you may be even more scared than I am, you just might be a better actor in this case.

Take care.

Mo