Well, I didn't... and oddly enough, I have been writing a long post about my family, but it isn't finished, and I don't know for sure when it will be. I guess sometimes you need to just step back, walk away, and come back to projects at a later date.
The problem isn't really writer's block... it's more of deciding how upset my family could be vs how happy I could make them. I'd like to talk about things that have never really been discussed, and give credit where credit is due, but people don't seem to understand that the world isn't always pretty, and if someone says something bad about a person it doesn't necessarily mean they're not liked.
I see it every day. Someone is worried about saying the right thing as not to offend someone else, and I am as guilty as the rest. I may be more politically correct then any of them, but sometimes you just have to tell the truth. Sometimes you have to say "Look, this isn't about whether or not I like you. It's about whether or not I like what you are currently doing."
I had a friend get upset the other day that there was talk about trying to find more inventive ways to take advantage of the abilities of our friend SUPERQUAD. He is disabled... a fact. Once again, in our group of friends, and you know what? This guy may be willing to give more than any of the rest in the group. He's very intelligent, he has a great attitude about the prospects of finding ways to repair the spinal cord, and it's infectious. If you think for one second that there won't be a cure, in a matter of 10 years, after talking to him, then you weren't listening. I'm optimistic too, and I enjoy hearing about the research being done.
Anyways, I go back to softball (I feel that competition brings out the reality of everyone's attitude about life there - so far, I'm right). Sunday, we played a fantastic game. It was wonderful, and everyone literally played at the top of their game to overcome a tough team, and our biggest challenge - beating ourselves. After the game was over a conversation came up about our 3rd base coach SUPERQUAD. No one said anything about him except that they couldn't hear him, and that as much as we want him to play and participate... we can't hear him coming around the bases.
A defense automatically goes up.
"Well, you just have to pay better attention."
What?!
None of this was directed at me, but that's what I was thinking (as was the person on the verge of being accused of being insensitive, I'm sure).
"You just have to watch him."
Umm, uh I don't know if you noticed or not, but uh he's nearly qudrapalegic, he can't really flail his arms like a third base coach normally could.
So, the conclusion is that it's our fault that we miss the signs from third because we aren't mind readers. It's obviously not SUPERQUAD's fault...
... and you know what?
It truly is our fault.
SUPERQUAD, if you ever read this, please know that when an argument breaks out about things like this, it's not because of you... it's because WE have not adjusted our strategies to make you an integral part of the team. Instead, we've done you a huge disservice by trying to place you in positions where you can contribute... whether you'll contribute well or not. We could have sat down and, as a group (including you), come up with a creative solution to the dilema of "how do we include one of our good friends on our team; even though he won't contribute physically?" But, we didn't do that. Instead, we have sat back and second guessed calls, quietly grumbling about, what amounts to, small problems caused by your disability.
That wouldn't normally cause chaos, but it does, because, as humans (and competitive ones to boot) we see a challenge and want to conquer it. We see you make a questionable call, or we don't hear you when we turn for home and make a bad decision because of it, and we want to blame someone for it. "Where was my coach?", we think. We rationalize that the coach did it to the best of his ability... and that small wound festers - til it becomes gangrenous.
It's sad, and everyone wants to jump on the "you're not being sensitive to his needs" bandwagon. They're right, but in the wrong way. We could have had SUPER crunching numbers, detecting patterns, maybe even working the book on a palm pilot. We had all kinds of options, and he may have been doing things that he may have really enjoyed. Things where there was much less risk than him taking a line drive down the left field line because he couldn't get out of the way. (I've nearly done it, and I don't know how well I'd sleep if i ever hurt him. Yes, it's his choice to sit there, but it's still on my head or any other batter on our team's head if he's hit and hurt.) Yet, we were lazy and didn't even ask him if he thought that he could do anything else better... much less if he WANTED to do anything else. We didn't ask his opinion. We have just continued as if his opinion didn't count - that's the really sad part.
People categorize objections as us not wanting him to participate... the objections were always how, and never if. As I said the other day to the coach after feathers got ruffled a bit. "No one ever said that they didn't like SUPER...". And us not liking him couldn't be farther from the truth.
You may wonder why you care? Well, you should, for two reasons.
1. If you have someone with extraodinary abilities and a few disabilities (we are all like SUPER in some things that we want to participate in) that you want to have involved, then you need to take the sentences above to heart. I believe that the best solutions in life are the most creative. An elegant solution to a problem is one of the most beautiful things that happen in our daily interactions.
2. Maybe not as important as the sensitivity described above, but nearly. Don't let things fester. In the end, you will only have a bigger problem when all the little annoyances become a great monster to which you will slay by ending the relationship you have with the person at issue. If that happens, hopefully the terminated relationship is with a tertiary acquaintance, but more often than not... it's your wife (or husband).
I'll tell you right now, If you ask your wife to be honest, she'll tell you everything you've done wrong since the time she's known you. "... and that one time when you wore the checked tie with polka dots to my mother's house at christmas time... well I was mortified, and you didn't seem to care..." Yeah, babe... well there's a reason I didn't seem to care. lol
Just don't let stupid little annoyances like that destroy years of building wonderful relationships in your life. They will if you let them.
Next time... maybe the thoughts on my family, maybe not. I know that I'm going to move on through whether I finish that one or not.
Oh, and by the way, congratulations to my sister and MINORSTOTHEMAJORS. They'll be happily wed on Friday.
Until then... take care.
Mo
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